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what blog, wow, such needy and 2 more...

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#1 Awake Ancient One Newish 68 posts 0.00 XCB

Awake

Posted 02 December 2013 - 04:47 PM

Well, seems I'm going down this road. As I type this out, I'm still not sure I will go through with it. This could be a few pages long and the last word could make me change my mind. I've never been the blog type, or the expressive type. Not with anyone save a few people. I can talk for hours, days even, and not ever say a goddamn thing. So I've never seen the point in a blog. Apparently, it can be a place of self-expression, or just a chronological record of events according to the writer. So, what this will turn out to be in time, I don't know. Whole point is I can, I don't know...I guess look back at what I wrote whenever I decide to take the time to reread this and kind of compare notes with myself? Hopefully I can at least say "yeah, I did that! or this!" or at the very least have changed the overall feel/theme/whateverthefuckyouwantocallit of the blog to a more positive one. Yes. This is going to be a bit emo. Deal with it.

So here I go.

I guess I'll start as of right now; dwelling in the past would take too long. So this is me. I'm fat, broke, unemployed and coming fresh out of a 3 year relationship. That relationship didn't exactly end on my terms. So I'm dealing with the fallout. I don't take endings well. Never have, don't think I ever will. Left for someone else by the one person who promised to always be there. Kind of makes promises seem...well, stupid. No better word to describe it. I'll bitch more about that later, I guess?

Back on track, this is also around the same time I lost someone who, while not currently close to me, had been my best friend throughout high school. Took a bit of a cliche turn, ended up not speaking for about 2+ years, then the very next call I get is the bad news. I couldn't believe it at first.

"Wow...is this a joke?"

Never saw myself reacting that way, but that's exactly what I told the poor man whose son had just died. Once my head wrapped itself around the idea that he was telling the truth, that's when it sunk in. That's when it all began.

One shot.

Three shots.

Five shots and some Five Guys.

The idea was to kind of give him a send-off. We used to love drinking together, so it was going to be that night. One night where I'd drink along with the memory of him. Perhaps get drunk enough to somehow apologize or at least make amends with a dead man. This is around my limit. Usually if I don't stop here, I end up doing some dumb, colorful shit. So I stopped, ended up at a friend's house after deciding I don't need to be home right about now. I'd say about 45 minutes and about a beer and a half in. (I don't make the best decisions when drunk, but this could have been harmless.)

Ringtone.

I check my phone,

"Eric, we need to talk about our relationship." Fuck....well. Last time this happened it didn't go badly at all. I just needed to explain a few things, and she just needed to hear me say some things she wasn't sure about. No big deal; a couple getting to where we're at right now is bound to need to sit and talk about things every once in a while. Better than bottling it up. Let's get this over with. "I can call you right now, let me just step out into the hallway."


So I go out into the hallway, sit there. She's talking about things we'd mentioned before, and telling me how happy she was with the changes I'd made with certain things I admitted I didn't realize were upsetting her. Then, it takes a turn for the worse. She says she doesn't feel she can be with me anymore. That she feels she's either been in a relationship for too long in her life, or wants to explore her options...take your pick. I don't remember that clearly. Fairly drunk would be an understatement at this point, but I was sober enough to remember the rest of it. I sit there and fight it as best I can, but of course I lose. I didn't know exactly what I was up against at this point, but fuck it. It didn't matter. Takes two to do this, and only one of us wanted to stay in. So it ended. Kind of.

See, she didn't just straight up stop talking to me. We kept in touch, and basically kept going on as if we were together. Except for the part where she decided she was going to sleep with someone else. Then decide to send me a text message explaining why she no longer thought she saw herself coming back to me. How she "never thought she'd enjoy sex with anyone else til now." And of course, telling me all this after the fact. Then crying about how I deserve better and she's a terrible person. How we're not right together. I had a very compelling argument for this, I'm sure, but it took me a while to swallow that bitter pill of jawbreaker-proportions. I couldn't be mad that she slept with someone else, right? She did right by me. We broke up before she did it. Even if it was only a week before. Turns out they kissed a week before that, but that's another story!

I've gotten ahead of myself, though. Back to the night of the breakup. I come back in from the hallway and the first thing I do is check my friend's liquor cabinet. I've known him for years, so this kind of thing isn't concerning. What got him to notice was the fact that I grabbed one shot glass, instead of two. Or probably the fact that I poured one shot, downed it, then was done pouring the next before the first had even reached the end of its journey down my gullet. So we chat, I tell him what's wrong. His uncle shows up, knows nothing but the fact that something's wrong, and we kill the bottle. Followed by a trip to the bar at 3 AM. Next thing I know, it's 7:30 AM, I'm in my house, my shoes are filthy and my best pants are torn at the ankle. I'm covered in bruises and don't remember a damn thing after the phone call. Awesome.

That leads into the next thing. For the past month since this happened now, I've been drinking. A LOT. I've been using it as a crutch, as an excuse. I've been sitting here shoving the thoughts away doing exactly what I did with my first breakup. What I swore I wasn't going to do again. Fuck it, though, right? After the double whammy of the death and the breakup, I felt so alone it just didn't seem to matter. So I went ahead, blew all my money (this is why i'm broke and starting to save again) on going out to bars, hanging out with friends, seeing movies I didn't even care about, etc. Just overall dumb shit. I went to a few clubs/lounges even though I'm claustrophobic, kind of hate people and can't dance to save my life. (Yes. I am Hispanic.)

Of course, no breakdown into the early stages of alcoholism would be complete without your drunken conversations! You know the ones, don't you? Where you say shit you mean at the time, but when you sober up realize was completely out of line and placing unfair expectations/responsibility on people who have no business bearing it? Or where you yell at someone for simply not being there when YOU need them, because the world should revolve around YOU and why the fuck doesn't it? (Sometimes one doesn't even need to be drunk to do this, but I digress.) Anyway...things being what they are, I essentially spent a month of my life more sober than drunk. That didn't end well last time, and I refuse to let it happen again.

It was around this time I came back to XC. At least, started logging into IRC more. I was never a forumer, really. For those who don't know me, I was staff on IRC until Last Thursday. In either case. I came back and started talking to a few people I still knew. I said I just missed this place, and I did. I didn't realize it tilI I was alone, though. I missed what XC represented, and how simple life was when I was just starting out here. Hell, I even missed the children's card games. Haven't touched that again, though. Turns out, that was the best decision I could have made. I didn't even know it til about a week and a half ago. One of the people I started talking to again...well. Let's just say they have their own shit to deal with. Yet this person managed to be a bit of an anchor for me, and eventually an inspiration to be strong. Strong as them. That's kind of where this comes in. Everything is going to have to go SOMEWHERE, after all. So I figure...I'm not too well known in the forums, and even to those I am, largely I'm pretty much anonymous. While I'm a real person behind this screen...I can say all these things and not force a single damn person to listen to me.

That's really what it's about, after all. An outlet. Something to help me keep stable. As an added bonus, maybe someone will read this and not say shit, but think "Hey. This kind of shit happens to other people too!" Or even "maybe what just happened today wasn't so bad." I hope so. Other blogs here have done the same for me, so I only hope to pass it along. I guess this is a thanks, too! To everyone who's been there for me and all my friends who will see this (protip: you won't). Just, thank you. I'm a gigantic, clueless, naive mess. Glad you guys are such great towels. :)
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#2 L o t u s Oldies Bitch I Might Be 1735 posts 188.00 XCB

L o t u s
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  • Location:Kool Kids Klub
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Posted 02 December 2013 - 10:32 PM

Osh- wasn't expecting this. What's important is to have a strong healthy mind. This is going to sound repetitive, since we've had deep conversations outside of this blog, but it's pointless to just sit there, and waste time feeling sorry for yourself. Recognize that you're the only person you need to please because that's what's important. Not everyone knows the struggles you've been through in life, and very few even care. That's all right though because you only need those very few people around to help you get through the morning. As someone who is currently struggling with depression, I can totally relate to the pain you've been going through. Don't worry though because you'll be fine in no time. Just takes a little bit of effort and patience. :)
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#3 Awake Ancient One Newish 68 posts 0.00 XCB

Awake

Posted 02 December 2013 - 10:35 PM

Osh- wasn't expecting this. What's important is to have a strong healthy mind. This is going to sound repetitive, since we've had deep conversations outside of this blog, but it's pointless to just sit there, and waste time feeling sorry for yourself. Recognize that you're the only person you need to please because that's what's important. Not everyone knows the struggles you've been through in life, and very few even care. That's all right though because you only need those very few people around to help you get through the morning. As someone who is currently struggling with depression, I can totally relate to the pain you've been going through. Don't worry though because you'll be fine in no time. Just takes a little bit of effort and patience. :)


Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me. I know I'll be alright, it's just a matter of giving it enough time and remembering the lessons I made from my mistakes. Sometimes it takes someone else to verbally abuse some sense into me, though. Good thing I know someone who can do that in spades. :D Focusing on myself and healing from this point forward, and making myself a better person as a result. I expect to look back at this point and finally be proud of myself.
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#4 Chiyo New Newish 51 posts 0.00 XCB

Chiyo
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Dallas, Texas
  • Interests:Yu-Gi-Oh! omg!!! I love Yugioh SO much! ^-^ Then there's Pokemon, and Naruto (Chiyo is my favee!!) I also LOVE LOVE LOVE Disney princesses! But to top it off, Yu-Gi-Oh! is my love, I just have to learn how to play ~.* I can be you guys Tori!!! Hehe =P
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Posted 09 December 2013 - 09:52 PM

Just watch Yu-Gi-Oh! Zexal! Yuma will fix you right up, he's SUCH A CUTIE!!! (^)-(^)
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#5 Awake Ancient One Newish 68 posts 0.00 XCB

Awake

Posted 09 December 2013 - 10:46 PM

Just watch Yu-Gi-Oh! Zexal! Yuma will fix you right up, he's SUCH A CUTIE!!! (^)-(^)


Thanks for your post. Unfortunately, yeah. That's not who I am. This isn't a roleplay or anything of the sort, this is my real life. This is stuff that's driven me to the brink of suicide. So no, I'm pretty sure he won't.

Okay. Thank you for your input, and I appreciate your time, sir!

Edited by Awake, 09 December 2013 - 11:53 PM.

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#6 Chiyo New Newish 51 posts 0.00 XCB

Chiyo
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Dallas, Texas
  • Interests:Yu-Gi-Oh! omg!!! I love Yugioh SO much! ^-^ Then there's Pokemon, and Naruto (Chiyo is my favee!!) I also LOVE LOVE LOVE Disney princesses! But to top it off, Yu-Gi-Oh! is my love, I just have to learn how to play ~.* I can be you guys Tori!!! Hehe =P
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Posted 10 December 2013 - 07:13 PM

I'm SO SORRY cutie!!! (~_~;) It's just that I thought it was like a story or something and even then Yuma FIXES EVERYTHING!!!! (*^3^)/~☆
**GIRL KISS** HOPE U FEEL BETTA! I WILL THINK ABOUT YOU!!!! <3 <3
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#7 L o t u s Oldies Bitch I Might Be 1735 posts 188.00 XCB

L o t u s
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  • Location:Kool Kids Klub
  • Interests:Sex.
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Posted 10 December 2013 - 07:27 PM

lolwtf.
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#8 Chiyo New Newish 51 posts 0.00 XCB

Chiyo
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Dallas, Texas
  • Interests:Yu-Gi-Oh! omg!!! I love Yugioh SO much! ^-^ Then there's Pokemon, and Naruto (Chiyo is my favee!!) I also LOVE LOVE LOVE Disney princesses! But to top it off, Yu-Gi-Oh! is my love, I just have to learn how to play ~.* I can be you guys Tori!!! Hehe =P
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Posted 10 December 2013 - 08:04 PM

lolwtf.


**GIRL DISAPPOINT** And you're the fave girl, I'm gonna change things!!! ^-^
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#9 L o t u s Oldies Bitch I Might Be 1735 posts 188.00 XCB

L o t u s
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Kool Kids Klub
  • Interests:Sex.
  • Country:

Posted 10 December 2013 - 08:18 PM

Posted Image

Edited by L o t u s, 10 December 2013 - 08:26 PM.

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#10 Chiyo New Newish 51 posts 0.00 XCB

Chiyo
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Dallas, Texas
  • Interests:Yu-Gi-Oh! omg!!! I love Yugioh SO much! ^-^ Then there's Pokemon, and Naruto (Chiyo is my favee!!) I also LOVE LOVE LOVE Disney princesses! But to top it off, Yu-Gi-Oh! is my love, I just have to learn how to play ~.* I can be you guys Tori!!! Hehe =P
  • Country:

Posted 10 December 2013 - 08:23 PM

Posted Image


NOOOO SPAM!!! HMPH!!! ***FOLDS ARMS ANGRILY*** !!! >.<
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#11 DWood Oldies Just Starting 26 posts 0.00 XCB

DWood
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Posted 10 December 2013 - 08:26 PM

chiyo do u wanna be friends
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#12 Chiyo New Newish 51 posts 0.00 XCB

Chiyo
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Dallas, Texas
  • Interests:Yu-Gi-Oh! omg!!! I love Yugioh SO much! ^-^ Then there's Pokemon, and Naruto (Chiyo is my favee!!) I also LOVE LOVE LOVE Disney princesses! But to top it off, Yu-Gi-Oh! is my love, I just have to learn how to play ~.* I can be you guys Tori!!! Hehe =P
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Posted 10 December 2013 - 08:31 PM

chiyo do u wanna be friends


YES!!! *GIRL SQUEE** Although you have to prove to me you're not a stalker freak!!! =3
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#13 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

DarkBlaze557
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Posted 10 December 2013 - 09:34 PM

Yeah, you can take a couple days off, Chiyo.

Awake: Sorry for the idiocy.
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#14 Awake Ancient One Newish 68 posts 0.00 XCB

Awake

Posted 13 December 2013 - 02:05 PM

Yeah, you can take a couple days off, Chiyo.

Awake: Sorry for the idiocy.


Haha, thanks. You didn't have to ban her on my account, but yeah that was a bit weird. I'm not sure if I should be afraid or asking her how the hell anyone gets that happy. Perhaps the answer has shown itself in weeaboo form!
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#15 Blydden Oldies ~ Honest ~ 1902 posts 21.00 XCB

Blydden
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Posted 17 December 2013 - 03:46 AM

Chiyo reminds me of that one time I did drugs when I was 12.

Except all the time...

Also, nice to meet you.
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