It's been a really long time since I've bothered to post anything of actual meaning anywhere on the internet. Since I last posted the "yes" above this post, I have gone through many sucky things in my life, and until recently, nothing was going my way. I ruined some friendships but made other ones (which turned out to have been made only on false pretenses), I had lots of internal struggles, I've been injured a few times, etc. It's not all bad, though. Something good happened in my life at the beginning of this year, but before I get to that, I want to vent.
1. Burning bridges
So... I don't know how many of you know (but I'm sure some people on XC have guessed at it), but for a good while, I was (for lack of a better word) a nympho. It was an actual thing I was addicted to. Admittedly, it made for some really fun times but it also led to some of the worst moments of my life. In the span of about a year, thanks to my love of lewdness:
- I lost a very very good friend
- I almost leaped into an early grave
- I made it so that a LOT of people (both online and in person) either don't respect me or straight-out harass me
I've been focusing on ridding myself of that curse. I don't do the things I used to do anymore. I still get urges, but I'm either ignoring them or releasing them on my own somewhere. Even now I've had moments of weakness where I almost broke down. It's going to be a really hard road, giving up something you really like always is.
If I wanted to make excuses, I could say it's probably not my fault for being a nymphomaniac. As some of you know, I was raped a few years back. I'm sure there's probably something in my subconscious that connects that and the nympho stuff but since I'm not a shrink, I don't know. Either way, it's not like I shouldn't be able to control myself, it's not like I'm that weak-willed or anything.
But yeah... Because of my mistakes, I don't have too many friends now. To be honest, I never really did have many friends (which is why I spend like all of my free time in chats), but most of the friends I've made online are gone now. It's been a lesson learned the most hard way possible. I still garner a great deal of respect in the business world, but outside of a professional setting, I'm pretty much disliked by everyone. I don't blame anyone but myself, though, since I gave them reason to treat me like bleh.
2. I'm a cat, apparently
Last year, I got fed up with living such a terrible life so I decided it'd be nice to rid people of my existence. My bedroom is on the second floor of my house, and my house is already pretty high up. There's also a pool near my window. I figured I'd jump out of my window and land in the pool just to see what would happen. I didn't care if I missed the pool or not, I didn't want to live anymore anyway. I jumped and did indeed land in the pool.
Half of me did, anyway.
The other half got totally destroyed. Broken ribs, bruises, messed up my knee, my head got pretty beaten up, etc. I wish I had died. I must be some sort of cat though. Anyway, the whole thing left me alive but immobile for a few weeks. My casts got really itchy and all I could say to myself every time I felt pain or an itch or an urge to go outside was "you deserve worse".
So because of the sort of life I've been living for the past 3 years or so, I've grown depressed. I'm basically the way I was back in middle school now. I'm the emo kid again that everyone picked on, except this time, I gave them reason to pick on me.
But anyway, people who care about me for some reason have noticed I'm significantly less cheerful. I almost never leave the house unless it's for work or to get food. It's gotten better as of late, but eh. Every time I think of why I'm depressed, I think of people who have it way worse than I do and I think to myself, "your depression is nothing". From a neutral, third-person view, it really is nothing. However, it's hell for anyone going through it, and that actually helps me cheer up a tiny bit.
4. Something good
As of December 30, I have improved a great deal. I'm starting to feel cheerful again and I've managed to keep my sexual urges repressed with ease. This is largely because of what's probably the best thing to ever happen in my life.
My best friend since I was 4 (and my boyfriend for months now) and I are getting married. I'll be a Mega Gardevoir soon.
It's something I've been daydreaming of ever since Fran brought it up a good while back. I've kind of played scenarios in my head, but I always convinced myself that they were nothing but fantasies. I've also been friendzoned before by him [:'(], but things happen I guess. Anyway, he's the main reason why I still exist. He makes me happy in a way that no one else can. Thanks to him, I'm pretty much back to normal. I owe everything to him.
Aside from that, I'm also getting back into the swing of things with YGO and Pokemon. I'm going to tourneys again, learning the metas, and so on. Right now I'm buying the stuff to make an Infernoid deck (since I can always just borrow Burning Abyss and Qlililililiramalamadingdongs from friends - there's no point in making a deck we already have); I'm also preparing my Pokemon team for the new VGC season (which I like a lot, since it lets me use things like Cresselia for Helping Hand fun) and am looking forward to entering a VGC tourney this February.
...I started writing this feeling really morose. Thinking back on some of the positive stuff has made me smile.
I'm still very sad and I still regret many of the things I've done in recent times. I won't apologize to the people I've hurt however because words mean nothing. Instead, I will bear the guilt for the rest of my life as a reminder never to be a horrible person again. I know I've left a sour taste on pretty much all of XC's mouths and nothing will change that. I'm not looking for forgiveness, and those who are willing to forgive me should probably reconsider. I'd just like to let people know that I'm doing everything in my power to be a good person now.
I don't like to end things so negatively, so I'll end on a lighter note. If anyone reading this is willing to help me out with Infernoids and things like what people are siding these days and so on, please PM me or add me on Skype (gardyvoira). In addition, if anyone wants to talk to me for any reason at all, there's the aforementioned Skype, PMs on here, and Pokemon Showdown (Gardy Voira), where I usually go when I have free time.
My hope is to have many positive and fun experiences to share with the remainder of XC. I want to bring good vibes wherever I go.
Edited by Gardevoir, 20 January 2015 - 11:10 AM.