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Poetry - A side you haven't seen of the Champ


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#1 Sun Ancient One Pirate 2430 posts 126.00 XCB

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Posted 12 October 2012 - 09:05 PM

God spent extra time creating you.


How can one run away

from one which is living in the heart.

How can one run away

from such beauty greater then any.

What beauty does the world hold

without her presence

Do others not see what I see

the true beauty your eyes hold deep within

For the beauty of your smile

can light a million candles

You don’t love someone because she is beautiful;

She is beautiful because you love her.

I see your beauty not through my eyes

but also through my heart.

Only God’s creations can compare to the beauty I see in you

My love for you is infinite, without limits.

Life is a wait without you.


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#2 Exarion Team XC Pretty Face 5159 posts 202.00 XCB

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Posted 12 October 2012 - 10:42 PM

d'Awwww


But I still believe true poetry needs rhymes. <.<
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#3 Sun Ancient One Pirate 2430 posts 126.00 XCB

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Posted 13 October 2012 - 09:21 AM

That's just a stereotype :P
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#4 Knowbie Ancient One Pro Orthodoxy 4066 posts 17.00 XCB

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Posted 27 November 2013 - 08:56 AM

Please, forgive me my long delay in returning to read your poetry. I thank you very much for sharing it with me, and I particularly enjoyed the line that you offered:

She is beautiful because you love her.


As a point, this line stood out quite well for your theme. This small collection of lines, unfortunately, had not much else that bound them together. Neither was there rhythm in lines, nor a measured meter, nor was there a conclusive demonstration of what the title indicated we might read. Do not be ashamed! For this is a marvelous start to what could be a very good poem, but it will require a little cohesion, something unifying, in order to properly be what it tries to describe, namely, beautiful.

One of the unfortunate disproportions of these lines is that the various metaphors do not at all relate. Smiles lighting millions of candles are very nice, but the metaphor seems a bit out of place here, with none of the other lines supporting that symbol, which the metaphor should be here used as if you should use but the one so directly.

Consider drawing the theme of "beauty because I love" to the idea of your boundless love by the notion of the "light of love". I recommend making use of those various turns of phrase whereby love is said to illumine our lives. Those old formulæ that make love an intellectual activity and the intellect being the interior light of reason. Perhaps you could then make use of the boundlessness of light, or perhaps its mystery and unapproachable nature, or its manifold effulgence as a great creation, or any number of possible points of connection to a theme or defense of your title. Here then you will find your metaphor take on organic growth in multiple lines!

This will suffice for now for ideas on a great poem. Thank you again for sharing, for it has left me, though in a curious way, with a few lines most striking. While I do not think you intended them, nor do I think you should use them as I offer them, as you could do better, I will share what I saw. Perhaps it too will be helpful for when you work on this poem, helpful in seeing the beautiful lines that can be mined out of the mountain you have discovered.

Millions alight, living in the heart: How can one run away?
Creation is the Beauty I see in you;
For what Beauty does the world hold,
When Beauty is living in the heart?

Edited by Knowbie, 27 November 2013 - 08:57 AM.

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#5 Sun Ancient One Pirate 2430 posts 126.00 XCB

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Posted 27 November 2013 - 11:55 AM

ahh Knowbie, I love ya <3 good to see you again :)
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#6 BryceHarperFan Oldies Grand Ultimate Super Poster 2965 posts 424.00 XCB

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Posted 27 November 2013 - 09:43 PM

Once a young maiden from France,
Went out to an upper-class dance.
Without any question,
She had bad digestion.
And lo and behold shit her pants.
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#7 Knowbie Ancient One Pro Orthodoxy 4066 posts 17.00 XCB

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Posted 28 November 2013 - 06:23 AM

ahh Knowbie, I love ya <3 good to see you again :)


You are too kind to me.

If you do indeed love me, work on this poem. It will be brilliant.
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#8 Sun Ancient One Pirate 2430 posts 126.00 XCB

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Posted 28 November 2013 - 02:58 PM

In December I most certainly will :)
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#9 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

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Posted 29 November 2013 - 01:15 AM

Once a young maiden from France,
Went out to an upper-class dance.
Without any question,
She had bad digestion.
And lo and behold shit her pants.


I laughed at this.
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