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#1 MyBlackwingPlaylist Oldies American Psycho 9015 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 02 June 2012 - 09:43 PM

Long Overdue~

So, I told myself that after I reached two years on this site, I'd make a blog. My two-year anniversary is this month I think, but frankly I've realized I've needed to do this for a while.

I'd like to jump into this as it's fresh, so I'll just tell the readers now that the language isn't my usual kind. I'm speaking from my mind here, so it'll be a lot less edited and thought out than anything else I've ever said on this site.

Today, I had a very odd thing happen to me. I basically broke down in the shower crying to myself.

Oh, was called away by my mother. I'm back now.

Anyhow, I started crying. It should be told that I haven't cried (well, actually bawled) since about 2007, when I found out my father had gotten a tracheotomy. For those who haven't watched "House", that's basically that hole they put in someone's throat when they can't breathe otherwise. My father was a smoker for about three decades, and that caught up to him around Christmas time in '06, when he started having a lot of phlegm in his throat. He eventually developed a tumor in his mouth, which caused his tongue to inflate with saliva to the point that he couldn't speak (it's odd-looking, but not as creepy as it may sound). That went down after chemotherapy, but eventually the sickness killed him in the hospital, nearly a year later on the Saturday before Thanksgiving 08.

Mind you, he was under heavy medication so, as far as I know, he just died in his sleep. As that was done though, my mother told me, my brother, and my sister that it would probably be the last time we'd speak to him. My first thought was to tell him I loved him, and also confess that since January of that year I'd been a chronic masturbater (I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to spell this word...) I opted not to, and that was basically it. He could've chosen to live longer, by taking chemotherapy more, for about two years, but he chose not to. Of course, everyone told him he should do it, even though the chemotherapy was painful and made him sick. Now, I can say I'm glad he chose to not do it, because he'd have been prolonging the inevitable and making everyone have to suffer more. In that act, I'd say, he summed up how much he really cared for us.

Now, I'll have to skip ahead a couple of years. Last year, my family moved, as I think you all might remember from my lack of activity in Mafia 4 (ironically, I lived the longest before dying that I ever have in a Mafia game >.>). Around that time, my brother became increasing rude, quiet, introverted, blah, blah, blah. Blah.

My attitude toward him started to turn contemptuous. In fact, he just got worse and worse throughout the summer, and into 2012. Hes been continually worse, being downright rude to our mother, me, and my sister (though, a little less was directed at her). Once I made a comment to Cyberlancer a few weeks/months ago, when he asked me why I spent my time talking to him. I told him that I talk to him more regularly than my own brother. As disgusting as it might seem to you, I wasn't lying. And, I'd like to make it clear, I tried on NUMEROUS attempts to get him to talk, whether it was about his demeanor or whatever other crap was going on. I'll also note he made no attempt to buy me a Christmas gift, and shut me out when I tried to gather info on what to get him.

So, now we roll on to the more recent weeks. My mother decided to put him in therapy. He sees a therapist once a week. As the therapist has hinted to mother, hes been in a depression about our fathers death. As such, shes been trying to give him more independence, and has been lightening the chores he has to do. Of course, that would fall on me. I'm angry at her about it, as I just confessed to her (just now, when she called me away) but I understand it. But, I'm angry at my brother too.

It's also important to note that I may myself have been dealing with mourning in my own way. This generally included being very insulting to other people, or downright acting superior and smarter than them. I also tend to make a lot of racial jokes and taunts. Mind you, I don't actually mean them (or, I don't believe I do), but some are very, very cruel, I'll admit. At some points I've thought about it, and been disgusted by how cruel I can really be.

Now, I'll jump to today. It didn't start off too horribly. I ended up doing all the cleaning of my stepfather's room, even though my brother was supposed to help. After that, we went to get an air conditioner for my sister's room, and my brother was much more amiable towards me. However, I'd like to note, the only thing he wanted to talk about was his fucking rap music. The second I tried to bring up that I'd received my Gates and Snoww cards in the mail today, [As of Sunday, I've started buying Yugioh cards online. Very fun.] he didn't want to discuss it, saying that we both liked music, so we should talk about that. Yeah, okay, the music he listens to....

So, we picked up my two stepbrothers (they live at their actual mothers' house) and got PizzaHut. It was fine until we went outside to play basketball. Since there were five of us, the eldest stepbrother, who is probably the best at basketball, said he'd just observe. The younger stepbrother, I might add, is a little on the chubby side and really could use the exercise. The teams ended up being me and my sister, and my brother and stepbrother.

However, once the first basket was made by me and my sister, the eldest stepbrother, as he does very regularly, substituted himself in for the younger one. After we played a bit (score was 8 them, 3 us), my brother made some comments about how we were playing (something about "they need to foul to win" and other crap like that). I'm still not sure what he was pissed about. After that, his playstyle got extremely aggressive. Anyhow, my sister was also playing like garbage today, and my stepbrother was in his usual egotistical mode (he likes to assert the fact that he's better in basketball. I can still kick his ass in Yugioh any day.) So, finally, when it reaches 10 to 3 and my team gets the ball because we got fouled, I got the ball checked to me. I'm extremely annoyed at this point. I just took the ball and throw it randomly as hard as I can, say "I quit", fast walk inside, go upstairs, and take a shower. I took my iPod music player cube-thingey (err, I forgot the name, but basically you plug your iPod in and it plays music.)

While I'm showering though, my thoughts started to swirl around about why I was angry. I was angry at my brother because of how bad his attitude was, because all his house work was pushed on me, because he bitched and made a simple game of basketball into a war. Angry at my sister cause she was so horrible today (trust me, she can play a lot more aggressively than the shit I saw today). Angry at the eldest stepbrother because he was such a show-off and wouldn't let his brother play, and angry at his brother because he let his older brother overshadow him like that.

My thoughts started drifting into the above things, and I just started to break down. It was pretty awful (I basically went from standing to on my knees to the fetal position. Not that way, you perverts), but glorious at the same time. I felt truly horrible for a moment, because of the way I acted (I'm pretty much never a rage demon, no matter how much I might feel like doing it), and because of them and how they act and behave. Then, I realized how bottled up all my emotions had been. A lot of anger, stress, etc. So, I made myself cry more by thinking about my dads death and how pitiful I am until I couldn't cry any more. I felt pretty good after, and continued showering.

I think, for once in a while, I was actually honest with myself. Also, I was listening to "Shot For Me", and "Look What You've Done" by Drake on my iPod. The second one really helped I think, though I cried a little more.

I also, as I mentioned already, talked to my mother for a minute. I told her why I got angry outside, and later confided about how I was angry at her for making me do the house work my brother should've been doing. I understand why, and I'll continue to do the work, but I wanted to make it clear to her that I didn't like it. Honestly, I think it was the most truthful I'd been towards her in years, and I feel a lot better because of it.

And now, we reach now. I decided I couldn't keep myself calm under pressure all the time. I think I truly do need to blog about some of this stuff. I'll update this sporadically as I feel the need to.

Just noting also: I honestly don't give a fuck about what anyone thinks I should do about this, or if you try to relate to me. I'm not one for taking much advice. I don't want your damn pity or anything of the sort. This is purely for myself to express my own thoughts freely. Yes, I'm super selfish. Nyeh. If you could just read this, and, if you really feel the need to make a comment, give me something to laugh about or anything along those lines. This is a confession of sorts but feedback isn't needed, Reverend.

Hmm, this was a lot less explicit than I'd expected it to be. Curse my censorshipnessness > :(
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#2 6SAMS Oldies Six Samurai Enthusiast 3024 posts 126.00 XCB

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Posted 02 June 2012 - 10:00 PM

That's...pretty heavy. Kinda makes me want to make a blog about my recent problems. xD
But since you don't want pity and the sort, I'll just give you a muffin. /me gives muffin.
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#3 MyBlackwingPlaylist Oldies American Psycho 9015 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 02 June 2012 - 10:12 PM

I don't need your pity!

*eats muffin greedily in a corner*
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#4 6SAMS Oldies Six Samurai Enthusiast 3024 posts 126.00 XCB

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Posted 02 June 2012 - 10:13 PM

I am not pitying you. It was The Muffin of Non-Pity. :P
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#5 Sho Shinjo Oldies Cross Combination!! 5274 posts 5.00 XCB

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Posted 02 June 2012 - 10:55 PM

And this is why The Game.

But yeah, crying actually makes you feel better sometimes, so it's okay to do it.

Also, because you don't really want/need advice: what else did you buy besides DW stuffs? Also, why singles and not 3 structures? D:
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#6 GothicKratos Oldies Local Trollolololol 2309 posts 2.00 XCB

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Posted 02 June 2012 - 11:11 PM

Regardless of "wanting pity", as you put it, I will still extend the platitude of offering my shoulder if you ever so need it (or even if you don't). I (or anyone else) may or may not be able to directly relate to the situations you've been through, but that, by no means, means I cannot relate to the things you are experiencing or the things that you are feeling. That being said, I am sure you are well aware that I am more of an IRCer than a forum goer, so keep that in mind, if you so desire to take of my offer.

Furthermore, I know you said you're not one to take advice, but I would advise you, from personal experiences, to cut your brother some slack. Keep in mind, as much as you're grieving, your brother is too. I know you mentioned that already, but I want to reaffirm it. Don't burn bridges unnecessarily, especially when you are fully aware of the extenuating circumstances, you'll find it hard to forgive yourself - especially so with family.

As a final note, Drake is not a far cry from rap. How feel?
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#7 Dragonheart91 Oldies Flachtonitek Weuchsowagam (Knowledge Seeker) 4852 posts 6.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 12:11 AM

Huh, that was interesting. I feel like I know you slightly better after reading that. The only consolation I can offer is that people are fucked up. (Man, that's my third time saying "fuck" on the internet this year already. I'm going to break my yearly record at this rate....) The number one lesson I've learned in life is that managing your own emotions is one of the most important things you can do. This doesn't mean you shouldn't cry and rage, it means you should cry and rage on your own terms. Lashing out at others only causes more problems, funnel that anger where it's needed. Crying when you need a release can make you feel MUCH better - use that valve when you have to. The same principles apply to other emotions.

Have a nice life... Or don't. Your choice really.
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#8 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 10:14 AM

I'm glad that this outlet is helping you to express yourself. :) I love to see that, even if the expression is negative. It helps.

Outside of that, do your siblings play Yugioh as well, or is it just you?
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#9 MyBlackwingPlaylist Oldies American Psycho 9015 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 12:05 PM

Also, because you don't really want/need advice: what else did you buy besides DW stuffs? Also, why singles and not 3 structures? D:


I got 2 Hieratic Seals of Convocation and 2 Tefnuits, which I received along with Grapha yesterday. Mah Hieratics be derpin' nao. I bought 2 SDs before, and I saw no point in paying a whole $10 for cards I already had 3-4 copies of (not counting Snoww, Gates, and Grapha, of course.) I ended up paying only $8.50 in total for all of the cards I ordered, so I think it worked out well. And, I made good timing too: Tef and Convocation jumped from the 83 cents I paid to about 1.30 three days later D:

Regardless of "wanting pity", as you put it, I will still extend the platitude of offering my shoulder if you ever so need it (or even if you don't). I (or anyone else) may or may not be able to directly relate to the situations you've been through, but that, by no means, means I cannot relate to the things you are experiencing or the things that you are feeling. That being said, I am sure you are well aware that I am more of an IRCer than a forum goer, so keep that in mind, if you so desire to take of my offer.

Furthermore, I know you said you're not one to take advice, but I would advise you, from personal experiences, to cut your brother some slack. Keep in mind, as much as you're grieving, your brother is too. I know you mentioned that already, but I want to reaffirm it. Don't burn bridges unnecessarily, especially when you are fully aware of the extenuating circumstances, you'll find it hard to forgive yourself - especially so with family.

As a final note, Drake is not a far cry from rap. How feel?

)

The offer is appreciated. I probably won't take you up on it, but nonetheless, still nice to know :)

I actually have tried to, on several occasions to keep the lines of communication open. Actually, to the point of just annoying him to get a response. I'm not through with him, but I can't say I'm at all happy with his behavior; I understand why he acts as he does, but I don't understand why he allows himself to be o miserable, and, knowingly, makes me and my mother (and, my stepfather, to an extent I think) miserable as a result.

Oh, and, I do listen to rap on occasion but it's usually just mainstream. My brother listens to mixtapes and the like. I don't mind talking about Drake or Jay-Z every once in a while, but when he jumps into the artists and songs I've never heard of (which is quite regularly), I have an extremely hard time keeping up. Though, to be fair, the two songs I was listening to were much less rap-oriented than, say, "Over".

Huh, that was interesting. I feel like I know you slightly better after reading that. The only consolation I can offer is that people are fucked up. (Man, that's my third time saying "fuck" on the internet this year already. I'm going to break my yearly record at this rate....) The number one lesson I've learned in life is that managing your own emotions is one of the most important things you can do. This doesn't mean you shouldn't cry and rage, it means you should cry and rage on your own terms. Lashing out at others only causes more problems, funnel that anger where it's needed. Crying when you need a release can make you feel MUCH better - use that valve when you have to. The same principles apply to other emotions.

Have a nice life... Or don't. Your choice really.


xD Yearly record.

Yeah, like I said, I tend to repress anything in the form of anger or sadness a lot. The event yesterday was a trigger of sorts, and is really the only real form of "lashing out" I've done in a while. I've considered that, when my dad got sick, I subconsciously decided to not look weak. Heck, I didn't even cry at the funeral o.o

I'm glad that this outlet is helping you to express yourself. :) I love to see that, even if the expression is negative. It helps.

Outside of that, do your siblings play Yugioh as well, or is it just you?


My brother and sister used to, and the eldest stepbrother does. My sister has, on occasion in the last few weeks, had a duel or two and even asked to buy a Ninja deck I'd made.


Thing is, I'm feeling quite distant from the lot of them right now. I haven't said anything to them since yesterday night and I've been mostly couped up in the attic trying to figure out how to work my Wi-Fi with Rayth's help. Progress is being made, but a problem seems to occur at every interval :<
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#10 Jesse Team XC Head Admin 5529 posts 434.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 04:16 PM

I'm not gonna lie.. With all these blogs.. I guess I don't realise how lucky I am.

Haha, I've got a younger (second) cousin, who used to annoy the shit out of me. So much. I think at one point I nearly punched him in the face, but ended up doing exactly the same and just walked out. Although I took a crap instead of having a shower. Refreshing either way, though. But yeah, how old is he? Sometimes they just need to mature. Sometimes.

Anyway, I haven't duelled you in ages. Mainly because I'm just waiting for Lavals and whatever to become TCG (that way I don't feel so bad when I play them, if I win) and I'll probably be more active. But I've gotta admit, it feels like Konami have suddenly gone on hiatus.. The next set doesn't come out till August, 3 days before the new ban list. So duelling may get pretty boring. But I'll see you around on DN!

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#11 GothicKratos Oldies Local Trollolololol 2309 posts 2.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 05:19 PM

I actually have tried to, on several occasions to keep the lines of communication open. Actually, to the point of just annoying him to get a response. I'm not through with him, but I can't say I'm at all happy with his behavior; I understand why he acts as he does, but I don't understand why he allows himself to be o miserable, and, knowingly, makes me and my mother (and, my stepfather, to an extent I think) miserable as a result.

Oh, and, I do listen to rap on occasion but it's usually just mainstream. My brother listens to mixtapes and the like. I don't mind talking about Drake or Jay-Z every once in a while, but when he jumps into the artists and songs I've never heard of (which is quite regularly), I have an extremely hard time keeping up. Though, to be fair, the two songs I was listening to were much less rap-oriented than, say, "Over".


Stress makes people do things they wouldn't normally do. Just be there for him, just as you would expect him to be there for you (and for emphasis, 'being there' and 'communicable' doesn't always mean strictly in a literal sense - a simple "I'll be here if you need me" can mean a lot).

What do you listen to? I do enjoy Drake (and the other YMCMB crew), but not much else in the ways of mainstream rap or hip-hop (exceptions include Wiz Khalifa, Eminem, and Jay-Z). I do enjoy some "underground" rap and hip-hop, like Sage Francis and Necro, but generally speaking, I feel a lot of it is simply too hypocritical for the values of their music to mean anything. What other genres do you like to listen to? I find myself going through cycles of what I am listening to. Like a few months ago was dubstep (Skrillex, Flux Pavilion, Bare Noize), but now I am more listening to alt rock (Staind, Shinedown, HURT, Paramore), and before all that I was on a huge rap kick (Lil Wayne, Ludacris, Bad Meets Evil). While listening to these artists I discover other artists and other genres through different things (YouTube suggestions, friend suggestions, or collab efforts), a huge example, for me, being dubstep. Hilariously enough, I never knew anything about a Skrillex or a wub until it was announced Korn would be doing a collab with some Brittish guy. Korn being one of my favorite band ever, I did some research, and found out I really liked this Skrillex guy. The next day at work, I was talking to a friend of mine, and and he was all like "Yea, you should check out Flux Pavilion and Rasko", so I did. As I listened to more songs, I found a group called Foreign Beggars, whom I now love, because they did collabs with Skrillex and Flux Pavilion. Anyways. The whole point with this was, perhaps you should listen to some of the things he talks about and suggest some things you like to him. This way, the conversation isn't focused solely on things you're not familiar with. Also, I am honestly interested in what you listen to.
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#12 Cyberlancer Oldies I seem to be missing something... 1942 posts 98.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 07:00 PM

I feel kind of selfish now for always relying on you and Sho for support T.T


*Hands MBP my collection of J-Rock/Pop* Please enjoy xD
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#13 MyBlackwingPlaylist Oldies American Psycho 9015 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 08:46 PM

Anyway, I haven't duelled you in ages. Mainly because I'm just waiting for Lavals and whatever to become TCG (that way I don't feel so bad when I play them, if I win) and I'll probably be more active. But I've gotta admit, it feels like Konami have suddenly gone on hiatus.. The next set doesn't come out till August, 3 days before the new ban list. So duelling may get pretty boring. But I'll see you around on DN!


To be honest, I've been fairly inactive on DN in the last few weeks. Any duels I had were because someone challenged me. I'm sure we'll collide more frequently during the summer months :P


I actually have tried to, on several occasions to keep the lines of communication open. Actually, to the point of just annoying him to get a response. I'm not through with him, but I can't say I'm at all happy with his behavior; I understand why he acts as he does, but I don't understand why he allows himself to be o miserable, and, knowingly, makes me and my mother (and, my stepfather, to an extent I think) miserable as a result.

Oh, and, I do listen to rap on occasion but it's usually just mainstream. My brother listens to mixtapes and the like. I don't mind talking about Drake or Jay-Z every once in a while, but when he jumps into the artists and songs I've never heard of (which is quite regularly), I have an extremely hard time keeping up. Though, to be fair, the two songs I was listening to were much less rap-oriented than, say, "Over".


Stress makes people do things they wouldn't normally do. Just be there for him, just as you would expect him to be there for you (and for emphasis, 'being there' and 'communicable' doesn't always mean strictly in a literal sense - a simple "I'll be here if you need me" can mean a lot).

What do you listen to? I do enjoy Drake (and the other YMCMB crew), but not much else in the ways of mainstream rap or hip-hop (exceptions include Wiz Khalifa, Eminem, and Jay-Z). I do enjoy some "underground" rap and hip-hop, like Sage Francis and Necro, but generally speaking, I feel a lot of it is simply too hypocritical for the values of their music to mean anything. What other genres do you like to listen to? I find myself going through cycles of what I am listening to. Like a few months ago was dubstep (Skrillex, Flux Pavilion, Bare Noize), but now I am more listening to alt rock (Staind, Shinedown, HURT, Paramore), and before all that I was on a huge rap kick (Lil Wayne, Ludacris, Bad Meets Evil). While listening to these artists I discover other artists and other genres through different things (YouTube suggestions, friend suggestions, or collab efforts), a huge example, for me, being dubstep. Hilariously enough, I never knew anything about a Skrillex or a wub until it was announced Korn would be doing a collab with some Brittish guy. Korn being one of my favorite band ever, I did some research, and found out I really liked this Skrillex guy. The next day at work, I was talking to a friend of mine, and and he was all like "Yea, you should check out Flux Pavilion and Rasko", so I did. As I listened to more songs, I found a group called Foreign Beggars, whom I now love, because they did collabs with Skrillex and Flux Pavilion. Anyways. The whole point with this was, perhaps you should listen to some of the things he talks about and suggest some things you like to him. This way, the conversation isn't focused solely on things you're not familiar with. Also, I am honestly interested in what you listen to.


ATM I'm listening to some Phil Collins music. I started listening to a couple of his songs at the beginning of the year, and my recent obsession with the movie "American Psycho" has brought back my interest. I'm also looking forward to Lupe Fiasco's upcoming album, so the first single of it has been seeing some play.

Other than that, I'll listen to mostly mainstream stuff playing on the radio. I really haven't been very invested in music from this year; there's been a lack of notable releases. As of right now, I'm waiting on the aforementioned Lupe album, as well as Linkin Park and Maroon 5's upcoming albums.

In terms of things in the past that I'll listen to, but haven't recently, I also like Eminem, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, Kanye West, Fall Out Boy, Taking Back Sunday. Probably there are some other things I'm missing in there. I'll listen to Nicki Minaj as she does have some good songs, but I wouldn't call myself a fan of any of her non-single songs.

I feel kind of selfish now for always relying on you and Sho for support T.T


*Hands MBP my collection of J-Rock/Pop* Please enjoy xD


No problem, actually, I think giving advice helps me a little. It does put more strain on me, but I enjoy knowing I've helped someone. It helps my self-worth a little bit, and I learn more about the human psyche.

*listens to "Fly Away", then "Teardrop"*

....

*also the opening from "Deadman Wonderland"*

Oh, for anyone who was wondering, no I still haven't gotten my Wi-Fi to work. No Pokemon tradin' yet :(

I also raged a little bit when, after I modified some stuff on my router, my laptop couldn't connect to the internet. Stamped a little and made loud groaning noises (get your mind out of the gutter!). Didn't cry in the shower though! *progress made!*
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#14 Gunnybear Oldies Pro Lurker 2149 posts 65.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 09:26 PM

Oh damn, reading this actually enlightened myself about my own issues.

I actually admire how you can get your thoughts written, something I was never good at.

Nice to see you getting a blog up, looking forward to more (hopefully more cheerful) additions :D
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#15 Cyberlancer Oldies I seem to be missing something... 1942 posts 98.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 10:01 PM

Oh damn, reading this actually enlightened myself about my own issues.

I actually admire how you can get your thoughts written, something I was never good at.

Nice to see you getting a blog up, looking forward to more (hopefully more sexual) additions :D


Fix'd it!
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#16 MyBlackwingPlaylist Oldies American Psycho 9015 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 10:21 PM


Oh damn, reading this actually enlightened myself about my own issues.

I actually admire how you can get your thoughts written, something I was never good at.

Nice to see you getting a blog up, looking forward to more (hopefully more sexual) additions :D


Fix'd it!


o.o ....Should I describe fapping in detail?

*starts a diary on his left-handed adventures*
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#17 Jesse Team XC Head Admin 5529 posts 434.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 10:29 PM

*starts a diary on his left-handed adventures*


Dude, you're left-handed too? High five! But.. before we high five.. wash your hands..
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#18 Cyberlancer Oldies I seem to be missing something... 1942 posts 98.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 10:39 PM

*starts a diary on his left-handed adventures*


Dude, you're left-handed too? High five! But.. before we high five.. wash your hands..


Can I join the left-handed club? :D
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#19 Sho Shinjo Oldies Cross Combination!! 5274 posts 5.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 10:42 PM

No comments x'D

Also MBP, you should see the anime called "Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt". It's where the "Fly Away" song came from, and it's pwnsome D:

And now that Lancer mentioned it, if you need a talk sometime just gimme a call. I usually lurk on IRC so you know where to find me. Or just forum PM me. I might not be that good with advice, but I can at least listen patiently to your worries.

And nope, DN is not an option. Seriously, the chat there is friggin' awful D:
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#20 Harpuia Ancient One Justitia fortitudo mea est. 2480 posts 65.00 XCB

Harpuia
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Posted 03 June 2012 - 10:42 PM

*is also left-handed*
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