Wow, that was a trip down memory lane. I haven't really changed all that much. But honestly, I've changed a shit load.
I reckon I swear even more than before too.
Completing the story...
Wow, it's been over 18 months since I last posted something here. I reckon it's been a few months since Exarion told me to update this as well. I'm going to just talk about my results - what I actually got. I can talk about my current life later.
Well, my last post here was about my AS levels. It's weird, going back and seeing my after-exam thoughts and knowing my results. Overall, I got B in Maths, B in Chemistry and B in Physics. Before AS Levels, when I did my GCSEs, I had also received a lot of Bs. Do you know how average that made me feel? I didn't get a single A*. I would have dinner with my friend's family, and her mum would rub in her daughter's accomplishments. I say rub in, but it wasn't negative. After all, I got the grades required to continue with my subjects, so I didn't really care. And the amount of A*s my friend got was worth boasting.
I do remember that mechanics paper though. I said I'd be surprised if I got 60%. Well, I got 48. I thought I got 100 on the calculus one? Slightly closer, but I got 95. Well, after AS levels comes the final year. Year 13. A2 levels. This was a huge turning point in my life. For better and for worse. But mainly for better.
I wanted an A* really bad. You can't get A*s in AS level, but even if you could, I certainly wouldn't have got one with my average results. My teachers said it's unheard of to go from a B to an A*. It's not impossible; I just needed to work multiple times harder than I did in AS - which is why it was unheard of. Well, I tried. I chose to retake the mechanics paper and the third maths paper, and began the year. It was only after studying the second year of maths that I truly understood the first year. I won't go into details. There was a problem I developed.
I had lost the ability to speak to people. I don't mean all my friends or my family. I mean new people, or worse - old friends. It sounds dumb, but I became nervous. It was dumb. It is dumb. I would overthink everything, and incredibly quickly. If I had a conversation with them, the tiniest intonation of voice or expression of face that didn't agree with me made me overreact on the inside. I cared too much about who I was to other people. I still do, but not nearly as much. There was this one girl I thought was exceptionally pretty, and I just wanted to get to know her. She was a nice girl. At least I think so, judging from the 5 minutes of awkwardness when we spoke. I saw her alone one day and thought I'd go and properly introduce myself. She was surprised at first, as you would be, but actually it was pretty cool. We were asking each other questions, but I found it really difficult to answer them. They were easy questions like what am I studying or which universities have I applied for. But I just felt sick. My throat was clogged, and the stuff inside wanted to come up. I would say to her "one sec" after she asked me, just so I could breathe.
Well, that was that. As much as I wanted to stay, I didn't want to embarrass myself any more. Whether or not I embarrassed myself or not, I'll never know, but I sure thought I did. As exams were round the corner, there was another girl I wanted to speak to. My closest friend since year 8. In fact, it wasn't even like that. She wasn't my closest friend, but I was hers. We spoke a lot all the way up until year 12. Nothing happened to us, but in year 13, I would speak to my friendship/study group only. So me and this girl were still friends. We both thought it would be a great idea to catch up. So we met in the park we always used to go to. And there was absolutely nothing to talk about. What did we talk about before? Did we talk? Or did we just lie down and smile? Why is it awkward? Why is it awkward with you?
Eventually, we went back to hers and just watched a show on Netflix. It was funny, I guess. And it was fun to play with her dogs again. But it was still awkward. I wanted to leave. And after watching a good few episodes and hearing her laugh a few more times, I did. As much as I wanted to stay, I didn't want to embarrass myself any more. I felt like I was to blame. I knew I had a problem all of a sudden, and she didn't know. She was probably asking similar questions. Why is it awkward? Who knows.
So that sucked. That sucked a lot. I've always wanted good grades, sure, but I've always preferred being friends with hot girls. Truth. I was confused because I couldn't find out the source of this weird issue that I never used to have, but I didn't let it get me down. My study group were funny too - far more nerdy, but I don't mind - and only one girl (the one with the boasting mum)... who was one of the biggest mysteries I've ever come across. Still don't know if she likes sex jokes or not. Anyway, this group was competitive, and always achieved higher than me. They thought I was the dumb one of the group, and I knew it. I would have thought the same in their shoes, with their results.
When I got my average Bs at AS level, my parents would have debates on whether my siblings and I should have gone to a different school. That's a great thing to hear. So this meant A2 levels was my chance to finally prove myself. Not to my parents. Not to my siblings. Not to my friends... actually maybe a bit to my friends. But to me. I just wanted a fucking A*.
The exams went well. I retook that shitty mechanics paper and the other one, and I got 100% in both. I also got 100% in the next maths paper, and 83% in the other. In other words, I got it. I got an A*.
In chemistry, I don't remember the scores, but I averaged out at over 90%. I got A* number 2.
Physics was my downfall, doing only one night of study on the final exam and paying the price - sorta. I got a D in that paper, and overall ended up with a C.
A*, A*, C. I guess I'll just throw in the fact that nobody else in my three classes got an A*. Nobody at all got one for physics.
This is what I said last year:
All in all, I'm pretty happy with myself, I guess. I thought this would be the year where I come out and be like 'hey, you forgot me when writing your list of Top 1 Students In Our School', but I'm not there yet. But now for next year, which I'd assume is more important, I have motivation to do better than everyone. I want to be the Top 1. I don't expect myself to be there at the end of it, but I want it, so I'm going to take the challenge. I mean, seriously. I'm not going to be there. But, I'm sure as hell gonna try.
So, you know, mission accomplished. Like, I was actually in the top 1. There were about 10 A*s out of 180 students. And I got two of them. There was another girl who got A*, A*, A, but the general consensus was that maths, physics and chemistry is way harder than Spanish, drama and English, and I'm not complaining. xD
So, that wraps up the story of the last two years at secondary school.
I should post here again soon about what's actually going in my life right now. But I thought I'd close some holes first. Hopefully I'll learn how to shorten the amount I write as well.