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Manas Musings


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#1 Mana Ancient One Cool Story Bro 4098 posts 59.00 XCB

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Posted 18 February 2011 - 10:11 PM

Oh lord. I'm starting a blog. In here you will find random thoughts, rants, musings of all kinds of proportions, even a bit of parts of my dream journal that I have decided to start.

Here it goes. Ready set go.

1/18/11 - "What the shit?"

Sorry XC I haven't been active. Life has been a big roller coaster for me. And also an emotional one.

I have a job, even though it's part time. BUT! I just got hired at a second place full time so, I have a lot of money to look forward to. Which means I will be out of my sisters' place as soon as I save up enough to move out. Yay! I have the bestest friend on the planet--more about him later.
I met a guy a couple of weeks ago, who, after only knowing me a week confessed he was in love with me and wanted to marry me. Sadly (for him), the feelings are not mutual And how could they be? Needless to say he and I are just "friends" now after he clung to me so tightly. Can't blame me, really. I mean, come on, the big "L" word after a week of knowing someone is more than enough to make them run. =/

So, things are looking up for me. Which is nice, but, I'm still miserable.

On that note, I've been toying with the idea of lucid dreams. I can't remember the last time I had one (childhood) and I'd really like to experience them more often. Perhaps my dreamworld would be a bit less depressing. lol So I've been keeping a dream journal. Keeping a dream journal will help me recall my dreams and keep my conscience aware that dreams are important to me. It will help me remember dreams more often when I wake up. Yay! And from there, I'm doing this technique where i do "reality checks" in my daily life so that once in my dreams, I can also be able to do these "reality checks" and ask myself "Am I dreaming?" And then, BAM! Eventually, it will trigger lucidity. And this, is what I'm hoping for. It seems like it would be a neat thing to experience.

I'm planning on going back to school soon. And by soon, I mean I'm aiming for summer classes. At least for some gen ed courses to get them out of the way. I actually plan on doing something that ISN'T graphic design. HOLY SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS. I know, I didn't see that coming either. :P

Speaking of not seeing things coming. Celsi was dead. :( Then she decided to play God. Go figure. <3
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#2 Celsius Oldies Century Gothic Abuser 3234 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 18 February 2011 - 10:14 PM

Celsi was dead. :( Then she decided to play God. Go figure. <3


Or are you dreaming?

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#3 HG Wells Oldies aytch gee 2569 posts 5.00 XCB

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Posted 18 February 2011 - 10:14 PM

Hey, I love you. Want to get married?
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#4 Mana Ancient One Cool Story Bro 4098 posts 59.00 XCB

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Posted 18 February 2011 - 10:18 PM

Hey, I love you. Want to get married?

>>
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#5 HG Wells Oldies aytch gee 2569 posts 5.00 XCB

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Posted 18 February 2011 - 10:42 PM


Hey, I love you. Want to get married?

>>

Posted Image
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#6 Celsius Oldies Century Gothic Abuser 3234 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 18 February 2011 - 10:45 PM

Posted Image
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#7 Mana Ancient One Cool Story Bro 4098 posts 59.00 XCB

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Posted 18 February 2011 - 10:45 PM

Aeon, quit trollin me!

Celsi, I accept!
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#8 Ancient God Flamvell Members Midbie 239 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 19 February 2011 - 06:56 PM


Celsi was dead. :( Then she decided to play God. Go figure. <3


Or are you dreaming?


Do you remember how you got here?

XD I had to. Can't help it.

It seems like every regular is starting blogs now. Makes me want to start one too, but I am lazy... 囧
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#9 Amon Ancient One The Worst Villain Ever 8626 posts 2.00 XCB

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Posted 19 February 2011 - 07:02 PM

Do you remember how you got here?

XD I had to. Can't help it.

It seems like every regular is starting blogs now. Makes me want to start one too, but I am lazy... 囧

Hah... The real problem to watch out for here isn't laziness, it's "is the subject worth blogging about?".

Anyway, good luck with going back to college. I'm probably going to be forced to go back myself this fall, if I can still get financial aid for it (the first attempt ended horribly).
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#10 Mana Ancient One Cool Story Bro 4098 posts 59.00 XCB

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Posted 19 February 2011 - 11:59 PM

I said I'd blog more about my best friend later. And, so, by later, I mean today. Not that I'm emotionally capable of discussing it, but, It's time to air things out. Gotta vent it all before I explode. You can read it or not. I don't care. Here's my dirty laundry.

1-19-11 - "My Best Friend"

My Best friend is Stephen. He's 30 (remember I'm 25). I met him on an online dating site that sater convinced me to join (he met his gf there, they've been together over a year). We started talking First through emails, then, texting and calling. We got along so swimmingly. We finally got together and met. Hit it off. Started dating a bit. I fell for him pretty hard. Then a bit after my birthday I get "I can't do this." I learned of his issues.

In our initial conversations he told me of his late wife. She died of heart failure over two years ago. Since my birthday I've learned of his OTHER issues.

1. drinks about a fifth and a half of whiskey everyday (though he's been quiting. Down to a pint a day or so)
2. Has "past relationship issues" not including his late wife

One of those past relationship issues is this: He's been "in" love with this woman he's known for 10 goddamn years. And within those years they've never been able to get back together due to god knows what. But he can't shake her. She lives in Arizona. About three weeks ago he tells me about this. It breaks my heart, obviously. I cannot even begin to describe to you the pain I've been feeling since that day. He's been talking to her. They're going to try to get back together. In fact, they've been talking about getting MARRIED. Regardless of the fact that they haven't seen each other in years.

On that note, she's here for the weekend. Flew in yesterday afternoon. She leaves on Monday. As his best friend on the entire planet I wish nothing but happiness for him. But as someone who is madly in love with him, I wish nothing but him to be happy with me.

And let's get something straight. It's not that he doesn't love me. Because he does. The man would take a bullet for me. He would do anything for me. In fact, when I had thought dear Celsi had died, I called him bawling my eyes out and he was over my house as fast as his car could drive to hold me. And he held me for as long as I needed.

We have an incredible bond that a lot of people have never experienced. When we're old and falling apart we're going to be sitting on a porch somewhere drinking hot green tea. Whether it's as friends or lovers. It doesn't matter. We're going to be best friends 'til the day we die.

But I cannot help the fact that I don't want him to marry her. I want her to break his heart. Selfishly. I want him for myself. This weekend has been nothing but torture in the cruelest kind of way. I know he's with her. I also know that this weekend is their sort of "hey I haven't seen you in years, lets see if there's something really here" kind of meeting. I want it to go horribly wrong.

Perhaps I'm a bad person for feeling this way. I don't care. I've been here for him for six months putting that man back together. Making him the happiest he's been in god knows how long. And he's told me that. He's also told me that I'm exactly what he's looking for. I know he loves me. And I know he loves her.

And despite him telling me I'm not second choice. I still feel that way. I find myself feeling like I'm not enough, even against his assurances. We've had long talks about the situation. He tells me he wants to see where it goes with her. He doesn't want to be on his death bed wondering "what if?" So, it's just something he's gotta do. And I completely understand that more than he thinks. So that's why I'm home tonight and every night this weekend, giving him his space and time with her. With complete disregard to my own feelings on the matter.


And though I know he's going to be my best friend 'til I die, I know deep in my soul, the day he marries her, will be the day my world dies.
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#11 Siyanor Oldies Supreme Master of Post 7830 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 20 February 2011 - 12:29 AM

Solution: Move somewhere that allows polygamy.

Edit: Problem: That would pretty much have to be Africa or the Mideast. I suppose you could get married in Algeria then move to Australia.

Edited by Siyanor, 20 February 2011 - 12:32 AM.

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#12 Mana Ancient One Cool Story Bro 4098 posts 59.00 XCB

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Posted 20 February 2011 - 12:32 AM

Solution: Move somewhere that allows polygamy.


Don't think I haven't thought of that =/
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#13 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

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Posted 20 February 2011 - 09:06 AM

That's a rough situation to be in. I've been on both sides of the coin, and it's not fun either way. In my experience, though, the girl that he has said "what ifs" about probably really isn't for him. He fell for her years ago. People are very dynamic. She's likely not that same person she used to be. He's going to find that out sooner or later, he just needs that blinding veil lifted off of his eyes.

As for your side of the coin, I applaud you. I didn't handle it as well as you did (granted, my feelings probably weren't as strong for said person as they were for you...I was around 18ish), and I lost a valuable friend because of it. You're handling it the way that I wished I did. You're doing everything right to make that man happy.

Hang in there; he'll open his eyes eventually.
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#14 Mana Ancient One Cool Story Bro 4098 posts 59.00 XCB

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Posted 20 February 2011 - 10:20 AM

That's a rough situation to be in. I've been on both sides of the coin, and it's not fun either way. In my experience, though, the girl that he has said "what ifs" about probably really isn't for him. He fell for her years ago. People are very dynamic. She's likely not that same person she used to be. He's going to find that out sooner or later, he just needs that blinding veil lifted off of his eyes.

As for your side of the coin, I applaud you. I didn't handle it as well as you did (granted, my feelings probably weren't as strong for said person as they were for you...I was around 18ish), and I lost a valuable friend because of it. You're handling it the way that I wished I did. You're doing everything right to make that man happy.

Hang in there; he'll open his eyes eventually.


Yes, very rough indeed. And of course she's not really for him. As his friend I took the liberty of telling him she was going to break his heart. Sure I may be biased when it comes to wanting him for myself, but, I can step aside from that occasionally and voice my gut feeling on the matter. I have this terrible feeling about it, I really do and it has nothing to do with how I feel about him. It's sort of funny because one day I was like "So, when she breaks your heart and you're back to being only the shadow of the man you are when you're with me, I'm going to end up putting you back together. And when you're done messing around, you're going to marry me." He did not disagree.

The only way for him to see that she's not the one for him, is to let him learn the hard way. Though, in doing so, it really pains me. But, I am sadly used to it.

Thank you. I think I'm handling it all pretty well, despite the fact of how I feel. I mean, there was a chance I was going to meet her this weekend. I opted out. For fear of wanting to hurt her. =/ She's the bane of my existence. But he's the savior in mine. So, his happiness is just too important to me to give in to such primal instincts. I walk the path of the best friend. I will be walking it a while. Also, if he does end up marrying that.. woman... I'm going to be his 'best man'. That's how important he is to me. I will end up sacrificing my own happiness for his, but, it's whatever. As long as he's finally happy...even if it's not with me.
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#15 redeyeszack84 Ancient One Resident Gamer... ZERO! 8855 posts 6.00 XCB

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Posted 22 February 2011 - 11:41 AM

My solution would be... less appealing and would require alot of willingness to share lol Namely the situation the wife kinda pushed on me, being that she got herself a boyfriend (who she moved in and is intimate with). But, she doesn't want me to go anywheres, for several reasons, top amongst them being I'm far more father material than the other guy.

I'll never understand the whole jumping into marriage thing. It takes more than just love to have a marriage work. Because the initial feelings of love (you know the whole drug high feeling of it) do wear off, and then the flaws and annoyances of the person you're with stand out more. BUT, if faced with these, and you still can live with this person, then you're on your way. Heck, technically, me and the wife aren't even married (just lived together long enough, raised children together to the point we're common law). And in the end, marriage is just a for show ceremony that locks you inadvertantly into a legal contract. Which is why, while the two of us aren't pushing people down to run down the isle, we also don't have any conceiveable plans to split. To quote what I heard an old man once say the secret to a long marriage is: "I never left her, and she never left me." Simple, and pretty much to the point.

And wow... Mana you're 25? And here I thought I was the ancient as dirt 26 year old around here lol

But onto the whole other side. Its rough and frankly tricky to navigate the minefield of seeing a good friend in or trying to start a relationship with someone you know for a fact will be bad for them and end up hurt. Had the same situation with a friend of mine. The approach I've always taken has been, you don't draw lines, you don't take sides. Life is about experinces, and while you want to protect your friend from harm, something like this is something they have to learn from on their own. As friend, you just make yourself completely available to help them when they need it, and be ready for damage control when the bomb finally does drop. I don't know why, but people are crazy like that. You try and force them to not make a mistake, and they begrudge you for it, then continue on to make the mistake, and then blame you. Best thing about giving them the space, when things go wrong, they can't imprint their hurt and anger on you.
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#16 Mana Ancient One Cool Story Bro 4098 posts 59.00 XCB

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Posted 22 February 2011 - 07:42 PM

1-22/11 "The Best Man"

My best friend is marrying her. If that's what he truly wants and desires. Then great. If she makes him happy, then I am happy for him. I just have to get over my own feelings about him and try to move on. The date is set: October 23rd, 2011. And for those of you not paying attention, that is two days before my birthday. Yay me! What a fantastic birthday present! It's all like "oh, happy birthday! Your best friend and love of your life is marrying someone else. At least he's happy! But you, your life, is now officially over...at the ripe age of 26." Perhaps, when the time comes, I wont feel that way. But, for now, that's where I'm at with this. Also, I'm going to be his best man. So I get to watch the whole thing happen nice and close.

God is torturing me. But the joke is on him because I'm used to being in this much pain.

Perhaps, in time, I will get over him and find someone that I love even more than my dearest Stephen. Or, perhaps I'll die old bitter and alone. Time will tell. But goddamn am I impatient.
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#17 Sun Ancient One Pirate 2429 posts 126.00 XCB

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Posted 22 February 2011 - 09:59 PM

Mana, you still owe me a sig. It's been 2 years!
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#18 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

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Posted 22 February 2011 - 11:02 PM

You're such an asshole sometimes, Sun.


Mana: That gives him 8 months to find out that he's being a moron.
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#19 Eric Ancient One It cant be! The power level, unbelievable. 9816 posts 30.00 XCB

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Posted 22 February 2011 - 11:08 PM

1. Lucid dreaming is awsome. All my dreams are lucid until recently... wonder why... (most still are, just a random few that are... eh)

2. Mana owes me a banana worth of sigs from 20 years ago.

3. Lol, God >_>

4. Stargate


That is all.
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#20 Sho Shinjo Oldies Cross Combination!! 5274 posts 5.00 XCB

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Posted 22 February 2011 - 11:42 PM

While I don't know you that much to voice an opinion, I think that you shouldn't fall to despair just yet. The world isn't as bad as we think, and there's always a person that makes you see that. When you were feeling down, Stephen appeared for you and made you feel alive again. Now that this is happening, you surely don't know what to do, and have overwhelming feelings of sadness. I understand that pretty well, as I've been in those types of situations lately myself.

Still, in one way or another, I can assure you that things will turn out to be okay in the end. From what I've seen, you're a very hardworking and reliable person, with a lot of inner strength. I'm sure you can overcome any type of sadness and rise again. And I'm sure that, when you finally settle things and move on, something will happen that will give you a reason to live again.

If someone like me got a second chance for happiness, I'm sure someone who really deserves a chance to be happy like you will get as many chances as needed until you're so damn happy that everyone will be jealous.

I admire you for taking the path you're taking. As much as I love my significant other, I'm sure I couldn't bear if she went with another person, even if I knew she would be the happiest that way. I'm not that strong. I'd break again.

So be proud of yourself miss. You're doing a very noble act, and I'm sure life will reward you with the greatest happiness ever. That's my sincere wish for you.
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