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Gren's Blog: Cancer's Gone, Remission, and Other Things


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#181 Gren Team XC That One Guy 5681 posts 146.00 XCB

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Posted 19 September 2015 - 12:21 AM

I've been in the dark lately, mainly because my computer took a gigantic dump on my front door, neatly packaged in a brown paper ba- wait a minute, since when could my computer produce human fecal material? Regardless, I'm finally getting both motherboards (I'll explain later) back next week. Now I can stop gouging my eyes out watching netflix all day.

 

 

 

Cancer Stuff

 

As everyone knows, I've been battling cancer since June. I'm currently done with my 7th treatment with 5 more to go. As the schedule goes, it's a treatment every Thursday for 2 weeks at a time. I had my 7th last week Thursday, so my next is next week. Currently it's 8th->PET Scan->final four. It's been a roguh ride and this recent treatment ended up being the worse I've had so far. I shaved my head, since keeping it long wasn't working and I wake up with a crap ton of hair all over my pillows on top of pulling out clumps when I shower. Better this way. It's growing back, but not fast enough where it will cause any problems. By the time I'm finished with Chemotherapy, it should be back to normal. Well, near normal. It'll be thinner then I normally have it. Other side effects? Nausea, jaw pain, muscle problems in my hand, bladder pain, developing a hoarse cough, metallic taste in my mouth, can't sleep when I'm not affected by the chemo, fatigue. That's what I can notice so far. Oh, and my scalp is sensitive in a few spots. Mouth sores are there too, but they come and go. I tend to ignore it unless I can't eat, which then I just eat anyway and use biotene after. Went to the hospital today after coming down with a fever. Shit sucks. Still a little high, but not as high as it was earlier today. Was planning on working but of course, can't get what I want. I'm not getting radiation, just straight chemotherapy. Doc told me last treatment that if I were to finish with radiation that I could have a risk for heart disease later down the road, and since I'm still young, it's something that I don't want to deal with. The best option would be to finish with Chemo and have the risk of a cancer come back then to deal with it coming back on top of heart problems. All in all, I should be finished the week before Thanksgiving. Can't wait to get this port removed and return to a normal life.

 

 

Personal Stuff

 

Not much to write about. Seeing a pyschotherapist for my other problems (depression mainly). Ever since then I've managed to give less about the political world and more about trying to enjoy my own life. The only thing that I still need to tackle is relationship goals, but lately I've been seeing things in a different light and would rather not get involved. I was talking to someone on OKCupid a few weeks ago and I feel bad, not because I don't have any major interest, but because I suddenly stopped talking to her (because my computer died). My laptop is pretty crappy and I personally can't remember my login info, much less care about logging in. Probably thinks she scared me away. That's the thing though that I'm still trying to grasp. My dad held a fundraiser event for me, raised about ~$3500 to help pay for medical bills, and being there that day opened my eyes up. It helped me become more proactive in me needing to solve my problems. The major problem I have is openness to others and receiving it. When people whom I have no major emotional attachment too get "touchy feely," it makes me feel awkward, and I can't properly respond to it. In the end, I end up hurting their feelings by either doing nothing to recognize it or say I'm not that way. Some can understand but I have had others get angry at me for not recognizing and accepting that. This is something I'm trying to fix, but unfortunately my past is making it very difficult. I'm perfectly fine with people being nice to me, but when there is no major emotional bond with someone and they try to be close, I can't express anything outwordly. It's probably why I've had a failed relationship (semi-failed) and why I can't get together with someone. I'm not the hugging type if that makes any difference. I guess you could consider my cold, but honestly if you want to establish something like that, I need to open myself up and believe I can trust you. I've been hurt too many times, betrayed, backstabbed, etc to just open up to anyone. I'm not carefree. I'm not a party animal. Perhaps that's my downfall, but I consider it a strength because when I do come across that one person, then they will know how much I'd care about them and how much I can put my trust it them making it a faithful and everlasting bonding. Right now, though, relationships would just be a waste of time for me and the other person. I don't want to be babysat because I'm dealing with cancer and I need to get through this first and then focus on restructuring my life. Cancer->College->stable foothold->then worry about a relationship.

 

 

Other Stuff

 

On the plus side I been getting active playing M:TG at one of the game shops near me. Good standing with the owner and is willing to give advice on how to run a good hobby store. That's my goal after college is to open a shop in town to people won't have to drive as far. Maybe even go beyond that and open up a nerd bar. If anyone here still plays M:TG and wants to play some games of commander on Cockatrice once I get my computer back up and running, hit me up. Oh yeah, my computer. Turned it on one day, nothing on my screen. Sat there trying to stay calm. Opened it up and started some trouble shooting. Found out the cpu wasn't dispersing heat. Got that replaced. Still nothing. Ok, let's get a new motherboard. Replaced that. Still nothing. Either this new one was DOA or my power supply killed it. Checked the voltages. All of them were under. Before sending the new MoBo in to make sure my PSU just didn't have enough juice to power it, bought a cheap 750W and tried it out. Still nothing. So I ended up RMA'ing both motherboards and the old power supply, which I'll be getting both mobos back next week (hopefully before chemo) and PSU... well who knows. I'll be happy just to have this damn thing running again. Spent nearly $300 trying to fix it, in buying new parts and shipping. I did have someone with expertise in fixing machines look at it to get a second opinion, said it was the power supply or the motherboard. I know it wasn't the PSU because it was new out of the box and he said the voltages were fine. Would of used a voltmeter of my own, but then one I bought was reading about 2/3 over what it should of said. You bet your ass I returned that POS. So yeah, remaining hopeful that I actually get a computer next week. Also, before I clean my drives out, is it worth upgrading to Windows 10?

 

 

I also been playing Puzzles and Dragons on my droid phone. If anyone plays, they should add me. Just started a few weeks ago, close to hitting rank 40.


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#182 Hypermaster117 Oldies WABIT SEASON 2117 posts 265.00 XCB

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Posted 19 September 2015 - 12:36 AM

Oh my gosh did I get gren playing PAD

You should get Skype on your phone or Facebook messenger so I can yeah you stuff :ooooo

ID: 313,655,314

I hope things turn up for you gren :c
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#183 Gren Team XC That One Guy 5681 posts 146.00 XCB

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Posted 19 September 2015 - 11:00 AM

Oh my gosh did I get gren playing PAD

You should get Skype on your phone or Facebook messenger so I can yeah you stuff :ooooo

ID: 313,655,314

I hope things turn up for you gren :c

 

Add me on Facebook then cause I don't know where you are. Or I can just make a new skype account strictly for my phone.


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#184 BryceHarperFan Oldies Grand Ultimate Super Poster 2965 posts 424.00 XCB

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Posted 19 September 2015 - 03:57 PM

Wow, I didn't realize you were going through so much. I hope that things get better for you man. I'm just happy to hear that you're almost done treatment. I don't think that girl will think that she scared you off, unless she said stuff that could potentially scare off guys. But, regardless I'm sure when you get your computer running again she will understand if you send her a message explaining. I'm also like you - not a hugger, people think is cold, not a party animal etc. It just takes some awesome people to really get you, so one day I hope you get a good group of people that will understand you.


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#185 Yami Stomach Oldies Wut 9469 posts 691.00 XCB

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Posted 20 September 2015 - 04:31 AM

Not sure if srs or trolling ^

 

Man i hope your battle with cancer goes well for you, seems to suck right now, hope that never happens to me.

never really got into Magic though i hear it's decent, it's a bit complicated for me.

 

as for upgrading to win 10 the only significant change i noticed was the computer being a lot faster. otherwise no negative changes (though it did fuck my laptop up and i had to get it fixed but that was just me)


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#186 storyteller Oldies When a story comes to an end... 3365 posts 339.00 XCB

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Posted 21 September 2015 - 09:54 AM

Sounds rough, but hang in there.

 

As for Win 10, I upgraded to it from 8.1 on a laptop that came with it, and overall the only changes are in the positive, though slight.

It was awkward for a few days with the touchpad not working and whatnot, but a few updates solved that.


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#187 Gren Team XC That One Guy 5681 posts 146.00 XCB

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Posted 21 September 2015 - 11:20 AM

Wow, I didn't realize you were going through so much. I hope that things get better for you man. I'm just happy to hear that you're almost done treatment. I don't think that girl will think that she scared you off, unless she said stuff that could potentially scare off guys. But, regardless I'm sure when you get your computer running again she will understand if you send her a message explaining. I'm also like you - not a hugger, people think is cold, not a party animal etc. It just takes some awesome people to really get you, so one day I hope you get a good group of people that will understand you.

 

Thanks, I appreciate it. And I'm just speaking from her perspective. I have no interest in her and I don't want to come off as a dick and say "Sorry, just not feeling it." To be perfectly honest, I dislike online dating from this perspective, especially in an environment where it's forced. It's easier when it's natural and more meaningful. That's just me though, I never grew up with the same mindset as these new age kids.

 

Thanks Stomach and storyteller. I'm still on the fence about upgrading. I'm not using a legit copy of 7 anyway so if I decide that I hate it (if the key goes through) I can always uninstall and reinstall 7. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.


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#188 Gren Team XC That One Guy 5681 posts 146.00 XCB

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Posted 27 December 2015 - 01:39 AM

Things and stuff.

 

But in all seriousness. Two points I want to discuss. My cancer is gone, as everyone knows or should know. I get my last scan on Jan 12th. After that, if the scan is good, I get my port removed and officially go into remission. Remission will last up to 5 years afaik and will be clear after that. Instead of doing checkups every six months, I will be getting them yearly to reduce the risk of it returning or increasing the risk of getting heart disease. So good news all around. Back at work full time and even though it's been stressful, I missed it. I hate not working. Nothing to do around my apartment and I hate spending gas to drive 20-30 min away to play M:TG with others.

 

 

Second point is something I constantly bring up but now I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I'm single. It's a love/hate thing. Love it when I'm not constantly being nagged at or I have some money to spend, but hate it when I have no one to talk to or makes someone day better. I'm usually pretty good at letting impulses pass, but whenever I see people on Instagram or something, there a bit harder to let go. What am I talking about? The feeling of wanting and being wanted. It's becoming harder to cope with and I told my psychotherapist about it and his opinion on what I should do, and it's the two obvious choices: ignore it and move on or work towards finding someone and socialize with people. That's the problem though. I don't have interests that most "normal" people do. I hate partying, I don't go to bars, there's barely any women I know that play M:TG at my LGS, and I'm not in college yet. So what do? I refuse to use online dating services strictly because the two encounters I had using it turned sour and I don't want to join the party crowd. Also, I hate casual sex for my own personal reasons. All I'm asking for is suggestions. 


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#189 Yami Stomach Oldies Wut 9469 posts 691.00 XCB

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Posted 27 December 2015 - 05:36 AM

well for the first point. awesome bro.

 

for the second point... companionship dosen't need to be romance, nor does it even need to be the opposite gender. i only have one real friend (you know who you are) but we chat a lot, play games together. it's fun and silly and reall all the companionship i need. and if anything happens to us we tell each other and talk about it.

 

don't assume you NEED to rush into romance just because you're getting older, even if you miss companionship. it's not hard to find some true friends that won't be as stressful as a romantic relationship.


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#190 Jesse Team XC Head Admin 5527 posts 433.00 XCB

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Posted 27 December 2015 - 10:01 AM

Oh wow, congratulations man! That's super good news!

 

As for being single, I agree with everything Stomach said. But, at the same time, you still want a woman. Well the good news is that I can guarantee 100% that you're not the only person in your area who doesn't like partying, or as you put it, what most "normal" people do. It may seem like these people are unable to be found, but they're out there. Have you seen the photo circulating facebook with the snowmen and you have to find the panda? At first, I was like "what the hell? all of these are snowmen!". I started to lose belief that there was actually a panda there at all, and it was just a prank to waste my time. But sure enough, it was actually in the picture the whole time, I just wasn't looking hard enough.  

 

It may seem like a weird comparison, but the person you're looking for is out there. But if you don't look thoroughly enough, you'll just let yourself believe that they don't exist. So in my opinion, the second option that your psychotherapist suggested seems to be the way to go. Socialise with as many people as you can (especially in M:TG groups), and it may make the task of finding someone a little bit easier. Making new friends will likely be awkward at first, but if you accept the awkwardness and try again, pestering them to let you into their life, it should work out. The only reason it's awkward is because everyone puts their guard up with new people, because they don't know enough about the other person. Time fixes that.


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#191 Gren Team XC That One Guy 5681 posts 146.00 XCB

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Posted 11 April 2016 - 05:54 PM

So things happened. I felt like I've been ignoring you guys, which I haven't. Just been... busy. Anyway, cutting to the chase.

 

I been dealing with the financial aftermath of my cancer treatment on top of other things and it's been proving to me it's a pain in the ass. I got lucky, however, and was put on community care again. It's nice considering I still don't have my tax return money yet. Had some issues with my leg, sorting through all that currently and seeing a PT with hopes of it getting better. I have my first 6 month follow up for my cancer this Thursday so we'll see how that is doing.

 

On the bright side, my depression is almost gone. I decided to put myself back on depression medication and the results are pretty great, even better then what I had imagined. I don't feel down anymore and now I made my first jump through what I thought would of been a difficult hoop. I got a date! I feel very confident going into this because A. She's someone I've known for a while; B. She's someone that I knew who had a crush on me in the past and C. the relationship potential is pretty high. Going out to a hibachi restaurant that I haven't been at in a while, so that'll be interesting. I've also had one of my friends pass along tickets for a 3-day rock festival (he gets 4 for free) for myself and her as well as himself and my sister. Again, I have enough confidence that this could be a potential long term thing if all goes well. The only downside to all of this is she lives about an hour away. Could be troublesome but it is what it is. We'll see what happens next Saturday.


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#192 Yami Stomach Oldies Wut 9469 posts 691.00 XCB

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Posted 12 April 2016 - 03:14 PM

go getem Tiger


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#193 HG Wells Oldies aytch gee 2569 posts 5.00 XCB

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Posted 12 April 2016 - 08:46 PM

hibachi is life so no matter what it'll be a good night


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#194 Gren Team XC That One Guy 5681 posts 146.00 XCB

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Posted 12 April 2016 - 11:10 PM

Should be a good day. Going to pop around some card shops in her area and asked if she wanted to come before dinner so, here's hoping!


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#195 Emma Team XC TML's Secretary 1713 posts 72.00 XCB

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Posted 13 April 2016 - 06:26 PM

She plays card games too?


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#196 Jesse Team XC Head Admin 5527 posts 433.00 XCB

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Posted 14 April 2016 - 02:20 AM

How did it go?


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#197 Gren Team XC That One Guy 5681 posts 146.00 XCB

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Posted 14 April 2016 - 02:39 AM

Next Saturday is the date which today... everything escalated quickly. So, I'm pretty sure I won't be single for long.

 

And Emma, I don't think she does but I'm sure she is willing to learn.


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#198 Emma Team XC TML's Secretary 1713 posts 72.00 XCB

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Posted 15 April 2016 - 10:57 AM

Yay


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#199 Chiy0 Members Just Starting 10 posts 4.00 XCB

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Posted 14 June 2016 - 12:18 AM

Why couldn't you just date me??? ~^.^~ **GIRL JEALOUSY** I'm the best Dark Magician Girl player ever!!! **GIRL POWER** ~-.^~~~~


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#200 Gren Team XC That One Guy 5681 posts 146.00 XCB

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Posted 21 November 2018 - 09:46 PM

So, there's a lot that happened between my last post, and this post.

 

 

Going back to that date. It "went" well but shit went south so fast that I thought I ended up in Mexico. Jokes aside, that wasn't my most memorable time. She went back to her ex, I had a mental breakdown and ended up in a place overnight that my sister drove me to because I was a danger to myself. I felt broken. However, things didn't end so badly as I ended up dating my now almost a year ago ex girlfriend. That lasted a year and a half. I moved from where I was previously living to a bigger city and currently after the breakup, ended up staying here. So much more to do and many more opportunities. As far as the breakup went, basically we fell out of the compatibility bubble. Or so it was to be believed. It goes deeper then that. I couldn't make her happy no matter what I did. I felt exhausted. Nothing was coming together. And she never wanted to do things I wanted to do. Whatever, I moved on. Aside from all of that, my Grandmother died from colon cancer that came back, my grandfather probably won't have much time left, and I been working 50~ hours a week. Back in January, I felt attracted to a coworker, a manager (I am also a manager). I tried asking her to hang out on one of her days off. Nothing happened, I overreacted and broke down again. I made so many mistakes that day, fucked up a piece of equipment because I wasn't thinking straight, get yelled at. It was pretty shitty. But did I give in? No. I built myself back up. Fast forward to 2 months ago. Now I start getting an interest in someone else. She's 18 (BIG OOF, I know) and she had a lot of the same interests as me. She helped me get out of my emotional rut, so I started trusting her. We hang out one day, chat for a couple of hours, had a good time. Eventually I told her how I felt, but she said she was already going into a relationship. Told me not to worry and if things don't work out, the possibility is there. 2 weeks ago, I said something to her about another coworker on how this coworker was acting strange and bitchy (emphasis here). She took it upon herself to not only call this other coworker a bitch, but told another person about it and same thing. I noped my feelings hard out of this one. Words of wisdom, never trust someone fresh out of high school. It doesn't end well. Luckily, the best case scenario out of a bad situation. I made up to the coworker, I forgave the person I was interested in (but still won't have feelings for her ever again) and now everything's peachy. It's easier to forgive then to forget. And now I'm back being interested in the first person I had feelings for at work. RIP me.

 

 

Aside from personal bullshit, I'm streaming more now. Got a cam, so now you can see my ugly mug. Mostly playing Blizzard games and Destiny 2. I want to get more on a professional level, but I just don't have time for it.


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