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WARNING: Very Fucking Graphic - Harpuia's Blog 4/26/15


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#461 L o t u s Oldies Bitch I Might Be 1735 posts 188.00 XCB

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Posted 02 May 2013 - 01:43 PM

Yup. Take as much time as you need to feel better, Harp. Good luck with everything.
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#462 MyBlackwingPlaylist Oldies American Psycho 9015 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 02 May 2013 - 02:29 PM

Feel better man.

ATM I'm trying to drop a little weight from 152, so I'd be happy to meet you at 142 if you're up for it D:

Also, why's that asshole trying to get you sacked?
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#463 Exarion Team XC Pretty Face 5159 posts 202.00 XCB

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Posted 03 May 2013 - 08:35 AM

Get well soon, man.
WebYVD can wait any amount of time.

Also, good luck at your job issue.
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#464 Harpuia Ancient One Justitia fortitudo mea est. 2480 posts 65.00 XCB

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Posted 06 May 2013 - 10:23 PM

http://www.aspiestra...-in-adults.html

Listening to: "Pretty Boy" by M2M (replacing "boy" with "girl" while singing along)

On April 30, 2012, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder. It came as a huge shock to me at first, and I admit that I was in serious denial. But the more that it was explained to me the struggles Aspies had in social relations, the more it started to make sense.

I never could quite understand why this was though. When I thought of people who had Asperger's or were High Functioning Autistics, I thought of the type of people who really had no sense of social cues whatsoever. A good example was my first dive into an Asperger's social group, where I invited two of them to play mini-golf with me, and all they did was spend 2 hours hitting a ball against a wall. That's how I saw Asperger's. Surely I wasn't like that.

But now I'm starting to realize there were different degrees of being one, and I spent a good portion of my life hiding it from others. I hid it because it was how I was raised. I had to hide it. Being raised in an evangelical home and being heavily influenced in a conservative Christian-influenced society at the time, there was no tolerance for "weirdness".

Hell, my parents burned my entire Magic: The Gathering card collection. Twice. My mother came charging at me with a butter knife threatening to kill me for getting a C in English in my progress report when I was eight. The church they were trying to make me go to demanded full obedience to the church and full forgiveness for whatever they do wrong or you go to Hell. For my first D in a progress report at 13, my parents left a suitcase filled with only a few pairs of underwear, socks, shirts, and pants and changed their mind only after my entire family (sister included) voted to keep me in (they now tell me it was all a show, but would you really know it at 13?) I could go into detail about some of these and I'll take requests, but the point I'm trying to say is that the margin of error to be what an Aspie is was zero.

So I learned. I look at every social situation as an engineering problem, online or off. I don't have the same emotional connections that many of you do, or at least I think some of you have emotional connections. I can't say for a lot of you. Either way, I look at it as a problem, and am told by people or what I read what is the most favorable thing to do to get the most favorable result in a social situation. Of course, it never works. Many of you surprise me. Not just you XCers, but people in general. It rarely works. Most of the time I get a negative response. But like an idiot I kept trying. And to be honest, at this point just talking to many of you, on chats, forums, or face to face, has become more of a chore than it is a pleasure. And it takes a lot of energy from me. A lot. And it takes more energy when I make a mistake.

I dunno why I'm starting to feel this way. Maybe it's that I'm tired of having to deal with social blunder after social blunder. Maybe I'm tired of whenever I say a friendly hi it's a coin flip whether the person says hi back or flips me the bird. I'm tired of smiles one day and ignores or worse insults the next. This last year-plus has shown me that whatever it is, it's either something is very wrong with me, or something is very wrong with the rest of you, and I'm pretty sure that you all can't be diagnosed with being crazy, so that just leaves one solution.

And so that's why I feel I should stop the facade. Stop the algorithm-playing in social situations. Just stick to what I do know, the programming code. That is easy for me. Code doesn't lie to me. It doesn't yell. It doesn't give mixed signals. It does exactly what I expect it to do. It doesn't laugh at me or insult me or tell me how worthless I am. Maybe it's better to just broadcast to people through a little soapbox like this instead of trying to converse with others. I admit it. It's too hard. I'm tired of trying to figure out if you're gonna smile at me or insult me next over the exact same input. It makes no sense. And I'm tired of it.

It's been a year since I've began "recovery" from Asperger's Syndrome and since recovery my life has gotten worse. Fights with my parents have gotten worse and they refuse to acknowledge that I have it. I've lost a ton of friends through fights. I've had a sexual harassment report filed against me for trying to be a good friend. I've realized I've made a LOT more mistakes than I actually did, and I realize I'm a coward because I deserve to die but I can't kill myself because I'm too much of a coward to actually pull the trigger. I realize how constantly disrespected I get by others and I have to put them all in their place for it. I've gotten used to being alone. I've gotten used to not caring about other people simply because I realize other people really do not care about me. The only signals I ever got were negative or extremely negative ones from most people. I'm tired of happy and bubbly one day and ready to kill me the next for no reason.. or more recently disappearing suddenly one day and reappearing like you have amnesia and you never knew me. I'm sick of no matter how much I try to reach out, I know I will be disconnected from the rest of the world. Other than maybe one person it would be months before any of you knew I left this world. Hell it would be a couple weeks before my own family would know and they live less than two miles from me!

It's a lot easier this way, just not dealing with the signals, the puzzles of a social life anymore...

Maybe it's easier this way. For both of us.

Edited by Harpuia, 06 May 2013 - 10:47 PM.

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#465 MrMayor Oldies XC's Resident Worst Duelist 564 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 06 May 2013 - 11:26 PM

I probably have the least amount of claim to be posting here to try and help, as our conversations have been nothing but limited to game theory and other odd intellectual talks, and certainly I have next to no idea about the major details of your personal life. I check blogs haphazardly and rarely comment, and just so happened to catch this one. We've never discussed personal life, and I wouldn't know you from any Tom, Dick or Harry if we ever ran into each other on the street. Hell, if you killed yourself, I wouldn't know until everyone else on the forum knew.

That said, I'd certainly miss you if you offed yourself. My opinion means quite little, I'm sure, as I'm much newer than most people on the site and it's not like we have some massive history, but there'd certainly be a hole. Sure, you've got various projects I follow, but that's not what I'm talking about. You're a rare breed on the internet: The true intellectual, someone who is willing to consider all possibilities when given the options, and is witty and smart about how you form those opinions. You're a hell of a lot of fun to discuss and debate with, and I'd certainly miss the opportunity to do that some more. Your lottery odds experiment is one of the most interesting things I've read in a long while, and the analysis you brought to it was quite insightful.

So here's hoping you don't follow through. Life's a struggle, and I know nothing about your personal life to really comment properly, so I'm not going to try and offer some bullshit advice. It'd be functionally hollow outside standard niceness, and I'll be upfront about that. I think you can appreciate that, at the very least. But I do care about you as a person, so consider that as well. I may not be the most emotionally capable individual, but I'd like to think I can offer a damn good intellectual distraction.
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#466 Amon Ancient One The Worst Villain Ever 8626 posts 2.00 XCB

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Posted 06 May 2013 - 11:52 PM

The fact you're trying to "recover" from being an Aspie is extremely disconcerting. How do I say this...? You're going about it the wrong way. You need a change of scenery. I can't suggest anything on that end, but it is clear you need to relocate to a better place. I know how this must sound - like bullshit advice - but I feel that I have to say it anyway. Suicide is never the answer. You say that you're a coward for not having the guts to off yourself? Wrong. Offing yourself is the ultimate act of cowardice. I can't stand people who contemplate running away from life itself.

I know I'm bound to make things worse, but that is how I feel. I don't want you to take the easy way out when there is still so much more you can do in this world.
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#467 GothicKratos Oldies Local Trollolololol 2309 posts 2.00 XCB

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Posted 07 May 2013 - 02:34 AM

Absolutely agree with Amon, in this case. There is no cure and there is no simple escape. You find coping mechanisms and you continue the grind we call life. Anyone that tells you otherwise about your "condition" is boldface lieing to you or are completely unknowledgible on the subject.

I would also pose to you that if you could really retreat form sociablility and rely simply on the reliable code - why haven't you yet? You're no child and you're a rather intelligent person - if that was a plausible option, why hasn't it be executed yet?
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#468 kakashipwnzor Oldies Apparently I'm XC's PsychicBrony. Go figure. 3754 posts 21.00 XCB

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Posted 07 May 2013 - 09:09 AM

While I know I'm one of the last people you would seek advice from, let me just throw in my two cents.

We've all been there at one point or another. That point of "It would be so much easier to just end it here...". I struggled with that in high school. I struggled with it for four years before I finally realized how selfish and stupid suicide really is.

I'm horrible with words, especially when attempting to talk someone out of something like this though, so while others will give you paragraphs, I can only manage a few sentences and a quote.

"Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops forever, you will learn."

Yes, it's a temporary solution to a permanent problem, but the results of your solution are permanent.

You would be escaping at the cost of making all of your loved ones and is depressed.

I don't know if this helps, it probably doesn't, but understand even if no one else will miss you, I will.
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#469 redeyeszack84 Ancient One Resident Gamer... ZERO! 8855 posts 6.00 XCB

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Posted 07 May 2013 - 02:14 PM

Definatly have to apologize for the constant hit and miss with us on FB (I'm not ignoring ya, just half the time I'm not actually on the computer but doing a quick check on my phone and get the notices way too late).

But one aspect of it all I can definatly sympathize with: Social interaction being a chore instead of natural. For me, its very much the same. Heck, I have mini-panic attacks when I realize I might actually have to call someone I don't know and talk to them (I.E., issues with my cable/internet or paymens on my Taxes). And then even talking with people I DO know takes alot out of me, and its not because I don't want them around (rather the opposite really) its just that simple interaction is just... taxing on me. Kinda why half the time I can't find regular work because I need to have my interaction with people at a minimum.

It still amazes me that after all this time, after even in retrospect your parents realizing that they likely made more than a few mistakes with you, that they can't accept the fact you have your condition. I mean, I'll be honest when you first told me, I was surprised myself. I just figured you were alot like me, and that due to aspects in life, you missed out on the key points of social interaction and now its become difficult to catch up.

And I hate to really say it, but with what you have shared with me, some of the "advice" these groups have given or experts have given are just... total bunk. I mean, yeah its likely coming from a point of view I can't fully understand... but half the time they seem to expect you to counter a less than ideal condition with further harmful and possibly scarring actions.

Though, my advice tends to be just as unhelpful, and for that I do apologize. Keeping up the fight always gets harder and harder when the weapons you keep getting handed are useless.

Though, all in all what your really looking for is very simple and basic... a sense of normality. To find a strong point to build a foundation on which to carry out your future. To be wanted, to be known, to have someone there when you need them. For most, we tend to be lucky and have family as an eternal fall back for that. Your struggle is further compounded with a complicated family life to boot. I'll never tell ya to give up, because you never should, but it does come back to what I've said alot: You need to find a way to get away, start fresh, reset things to zero, and build up from there. It does become fundamently harder to do alone though...
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#470 Harpuia Ancient One Justitia fortitudo mea est. 2480 posts 65.00 XCB

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Posted 07 May 2013 - 07:28 PM

I think you guys misunderstood me. My focus wasn't on if I were to kill myself or not, but that I am starting to really care less if people even know I exist anymore because I've tried long enough.

As an example, despite me reaching out to be friends on here, on SAS (Social Anxiety Support), on CF, and face-to-face, if I suddenly disappeared tomorrow, 99% of people I know wouldn't know I have disappeared until at least July. My own family would probably not know for a week or two because we're that distant and disconnected. I wave my hands, literally have to scream or do something insane just to get any sort of fleeting attention at all, and quite frankly, as the article mentions, it is becoming tiring for me to go through this algorithm over and over. The energy that I expend is going to cause me serious trouble down the road if I continue to expend this same amount of energy in my 40s, and I cannot physically continue to put on a mask and be as sociable as society wishes me to be especially when the probability of rejection has always for me been high.

As for you Zack, I think the reason that the MRAs and Pick-Up Artists on SAS were so enticing to me was probably because here they were presenting a winning algorithm on being sociable and creating friendships and relationships. Is it morally reprehensible? Yeah. But it's an algorithm. It's something I can relate. So yeah, it's going to be tempting for someone like me even though I couldn't do it because it's a straightforward way of getting all the social goals that I wish, but something I can't achieve because I'd have to leave my conscience at the door. Who would've thought having morals would leave you disadvantaged in this world? Should've seen that one coming.

I think it was Lotus who called me a sociopath several months back. I mentioned I WISH I was a sociopath. I'd rather be a sociopath than who I am right now. Then maybe I wouldn't have these problems right now. I wouldn't have to talk to, say, MystiqWisdom several years ago who would suddenly snap at me after three days of talking to her for no reason and then be all shell-shocked as to why I'm getting mixed signals from the said person. Matter of fact, why I get mixed signals from the very good minority, almost majority, of you people on this board and almost everyone on SAS.

Edited by Harpuia, 07 May 2013 - 07:33 PM.

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#471 Exarion Team XC Pretty Face 5159 posts 202.00 XCB

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Posted 08 May 2013 - 09:19 AM

As an example, despite me reaching out to be friends on here, on SAS (Social Anxiety Support), on CF, and face-to-face, if I suddenly disappeared tomorrow, 99% of people I know wouldn't know I have disappeared until at least July.



I actually feel like that, like no one feels my presence. My family would notice because I'm still chained to them, but other than them...
Well, it was until this year. I had a conversation about this with a close classmate and she assured some people liked me. I really wouldn't notice it if she didn't tell me, it fixed my low confidence a little.

It might be the same with you. I have no idea how have your social links been, but maybe someone you got to talk once a week months ago actually wants to be your friend and you haven't realized.
Then again, there is that mixed signals you mentioned... Do your retirement from social life. After some time of rest, you might be ready to start over again, and will probably miss some social links (even if just a little, you are going to try to satisfy that side).

Again, I have no idea of how hard those things are for you, probably it's completely different from mine, but many people have difficulties and try different ways to get over them.
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#472 Harpuia Ancient One Justitia fortitudo mea est. 2480 posts 65.00 XCB

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 01:16 PM

Just wanted to mention that none of you guys really make things worse, especially you Amon. I dunno whats going on lately, but I feel so broken lately.
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#473 L o t u s Oldies Bitch I Might Be 1735 posts 188.00 XCB

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 01:47 PM

If it makes you feel better, I call everyone a sociopath as a joke. You shouldn't take most things I say way too seriously because I am JOKING 95% of the time.
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#474 Harpuia Ancient One Justitia fortitudo mea est. 2480 posts 65.00 XCB

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 02:03 PM

If it makes you feel better, I call everyone a sociopath as a joke. You shouldn't take most things I say way too seriously because I am JOKING 95% of the time.


All the same, I still do wish I were a sociopath. My life would be better off.
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#475 GothicKratos Oldies Local Trollolololol 2309 posts 2.00 XCB

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 03:25 PM

Living with any disability, including but not limited to psychopathic behavioral disorders, is hard. You need to get out of the "my life sucks, this would be better" and get more of a "my life sucks, but I'll do shit I like to make it better" way of thinking. Obviously I'm not naive (nor do I believe you to be) enough to tell you to just do it, but I will tell you you'll have to force this behavior for awhile before it's natural. Think if it like going from HTML4 to HTML5 - sometimes it's nice to just do what you're used to, but ultimately you know what's better for your project.
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#476 Harpuia Ancient One Justitia fortitudo mea est. 2480 posts 65.00 XCB

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 03:41 PM

Well, it was sort of what this 90-day forum fast (from CF, SAS, and AspieCentral) was about. That, clearing my head over the junk I've been told on there, etc. Trying to do things to make my life better, and all I'm feeling like right now is I feel like I'm an ostrich hiding my head in the sand from an overbearing truth that I used to fight about myself, but now I'm running away from.
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#477 GothicKratos Oldies Local Trollolololol 2309 posts 2.00 XCB

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Posted 13 May 2013 - 07:05 PM

"Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."
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#478 Harpuia Ancient One Justitia fortitudo mea est. 2480 posts 65.00 XCB

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Posted 17 May 2013 - 09:56 PM

Listening to: The first 5 seconds of "I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift... followed by changing to the other country station immediately, and listening to "More Than Miles" by Brantley Gilbert. Muuuuuuch better.

Maybe I can hope for somebody to make me feel worse again. I'm feeling the best I've felt in weeks and my life is too crappy for me to feel this good right now. On the other hand, I can hold down food again on a regular basis, so I guess that works out.

My psychologist tells me I am suffering from depression. I called it something else though and I'm not sure if I wrote about it on my last blog entry, I called it self-realization. It's that moment when you realize that your life is about as good as its gonna get, and you'll soon be forced to make a move, sometime in the near future, maybe a year or two, that is going to make your life a lot worse.

I know a lot of people have told me I probably need to leave Vegas and my depression would suddenly be healed. Well... I don't know about that. For one, on top of the job's pay which is above average for my age (admittedly), it's one of the few jobs I know where forty hours ACTUALLY means forty hours of work. You don't get put on a salary like 95% of engineering firms and work 45, 50, 55, 60 hours a week for political purposes and to work their engineers to the bone.

Right now the other two big companies in this town that hires software engineers are Zappos and IGT. Both would be lower pay than where I'm at and they'd ask me to work at least 45 a week and 55 during busy seasons. To top it off Zappos is infamous around here for having a "cult" work culture built on fake happiness and all fear. And right now considering that even a 40-hour work week seems to leave me fatigued AND I worked in a culture similar to Zappos in my old job, that is a pretty important thing. I guess I could move to a different job within the certain "network" of contractors, but that would mean Alabama, Georgia, or North Carolina. No Seattle. No Oregon. No Maine.

Yeah, kind of low on choices there.

As for me physically, I weighed myself today. 137. Going from one meal a day to four helps in trying to gain my weight back. However, I notice I might have to stop relying on bacon and hot dogs to gain that weight back. I've been relying especially on bacon and biscuits for comfort food and many days, my only meal would be six strips of bacon and a biscuit from Sonic. Yes, you can order them ala carte, I think they came out to $3.40 total for the whole thing and strangely $2.40 during happy hour, and then you gotta add a drink.

Once I got better I started eating better too. Now that I've gotten well enough and I'm not waking up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, I am actually eating well again. I ate at a diner today and had 3 pizza bites (not as good as they sounded), 2 chicken sliders (a little better), 2 mini hot-dogs (probably the best of the bunch), a bunch of potato chips and a cherry coke (I haven't had a soda since March). It was good. $13 meal. Probably would just stick with the hot dogs and chips in the future though instead of trying to sample it out, but since it was my first time there, I wanted to try as much variety as I could when I could.

Also since I've gotten better, I probably should clean my apartment up. There is stuff that's been around since the start of my depression.

The link between my stress and my physical health is the reason I've shut down from going on any other forums except this one (and really this one I'm only doing for work purposes and my blog) and I've had to shut myself off from news in general for a few days at a time just to keep from being dizzy. I'm learning that I'm pretty super-sensitive to issues that are personally related to me so that makes much of the Finance section and a good portion of the Current Events section a breeding ground for my stomach to tighten up.

My psychologist also tells me that I need to start "going easy" on myself, which I hate. Not just because I'm a perfectionist, but because I'm not a fucking sissy. I don't like "pampering" myself with favorite foods every day and having Pokemon playing marathons just because I'm feeling a little down. But whatever I guess I need to do to treat myself. I've already used up two weeks plus of vacation this year and we're not even halfway done so I have to do something.

Probably watching the first 30 minutes of this 2 1/2 hour seminar on Generation Y and why we are completely, hopelessly, and totally screwed did not help my stomach. What did help though was playing Pokemon. I restarted my Pokemon Black, finished everything except for Undella Bay and now my pokemon are in the high 60's (Emboar is 71 though). I'm playing Pokemon White and soon as I finish this blog I'm going to Icirrus gym with pokemon levels 43-45 ready to annihilate Crusher Wake's little brother, Brycen.

So that's all here. Probably in about three to four weeks time I'll be slowly and lightly getting back on the programming horse to start WebYVD. Until then...

Edited by Harpuia, 17 May 2013 - 09:57 PM.

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#479 Exarion Team XC Pretty Face 5159 posts 202.00 XCB

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Posted 18 May 2013 - 09:25 PM

Once I got better I started eating better too. Now that I've gotten well enough and I'm not waking up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, I am actually eating well again. I ate at a diner today and had 3 pizza bites (not as good as they sounded), 2 chicken sliders (a little better), 2 mini hot-dogs (probably the best of the bunch), a bunch of potato chips and a cherry coke (I haven't had a soda since March).

eating better
3 pizza bites, 2 chicken sliders, 2 mini hot-dogs, a bunch of potato chips and a cherry coke.


But that's not -oh right, America.

Now seriously.
You deserve some satisfaction, Harp.
This is the moment I remember some people say happiness is a choice, because you really need to choose it!
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#480 Harpuia Ancient One Justitia fortitudo mea est. 2480 posts 65.00 XCB

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Posted 18 May 2013 - 11:51 PM


Once I got better I started eating better too. Now that I've gotten well enough and I'm not waking up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, I am actually eating well again. I ate at a diner today and had 3 pizza bites (not as good as they sounded), 2 chicken sliders (a little better), 2 mini hot-dogs (probably the best of the bunch), a bunch of potato chips and a cherry coke (I haven't had a soda since March).

eating better
3 pizza bites, 2 chicken sliders, 2 mini hot-dogs, a bunch of potato chips and a cherry coke.


But that's not -oh right, America.

Now seriously.
You deserve some satisfaction, Harp.
This is the moment I remember some people say happiness is a choice, because you really need to choose it!


Better than what I had to eat two weeks ago to this day: 2 slices of bread and a medium tea.
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