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Year 10: Still Relatively Here Every Now and Then


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#101 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

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Posted 17 November 2012 - 09:10 AM

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<3
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#102 Yami Stomach Oldies Wut 9468 posts 690.00 XCB

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Posted 17 November 2012 - 06:26 PM

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#103 Gren Team XC That One Guy 5680 posts 145.00 XCB

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Posted 18 November 2012 - 02:45 AM

Don;'t worry SD, I'm drinking in your honor tonight. Rum and Coke my friend, enjoy your nine years.
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#104 ShadowDemon Retired Administrator Retired Administrator of XeroCreative 4944 posts 3.00 XCB

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Posted 18 November 2012 - 07:44 PM

Such nice pictures for me! and Gren makes me proud.

So seeing as how I've been here 9 years now, I will post some updatez:

Still have same job, still hate my same job. Still looking for work and applying where I can, but nothing worthwhile has come through...just a bunch of BS stuff.

Finally went to the doctor for my chronic acid reflux problems and got meds for it, so I've been feeling better in that regard. The downside is, with one of the pills I'm on I can't really drink :( Still on it for another month and a half/two months.

For some reason I can't get over being extremely tired all the time no matter how early I go to sleep or how long I sleep for, I'm always tired and drained no matter what I do, and it's really killing the already limited free time I have.

Exchanged my faulty processor finally, so I got my desktop up and running which thankfully has been running flawlessly since.

I haven't been out doing much lately and that's made me feel kind of lonely. You'd think that would mean I'd be spending less money but somehow that's not the case and I still find things to spend money on. -_-

My PS3 died, (Doesn't read blu rays anymore) so I took my sister's and put my data on it...haha.

Nothing too eventful and not much to say, but there you have it. 9 years down, Year 10 begins.
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#105 Gren Team XC That One Guy 5680 posts 145.00 XCB

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Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:49 PM

6 glasses I drank last night. about a liter of cola and the same amount, if not more, of rum. Yeah, I was shit faced.
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#106 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 11:03 AM

ATTA BOY GREN
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#107 ShadowDemon Retired Administrator Retired Administrator of XeroCreative 4944 posts 3.00 XCB

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Posted 02 June 2013 - 03:20 PM

Okay so, I have to post a blog update, but it's not going to be a very good one because I'm mentally and emotionally all over the place. I will do my best though. I've actually tried to do something like this multiple times over the past few months but I end up staring at the screen not being able to put my thought down. Even now, as I try, I'm sure a lot of it will come out like a repetitive jumbled mess. Here goes. The past couple of months have probably been the worst few months of my entire life. That's actually saying something, because overall I've always been a very...strong person and able to deal with a lot of hardship with relative ease. I don't know if I'm just not as strong as I used to be, if I'm reaching my limit, or if it's just a culmination of everything hitting me at once. I'mma back up a little bit and go back to like high school, where my biggest worry and stress was "talking to girls and wanting a girlfriend but being too shy to get to know anyone in that capacity because of my being self conscious." When I compare that to now, my personality has not changed much since, but I give next to no shits because of everything else going on. Like I would give anything to go back and have that be my only worry. The worst thing that's happened was that my grandfather passed away recently, and I was really close with him. When it happened I was really upset, and then, while I never really got over it, I tried to "go on with my life" so to say, but my mind constantly circles back to how much pain it causes. I know I'm not the first person in the world to lose someone close to them, but it has gotten me thinking about mortality, and how helpless I feel. I don't have a stable career, and at this point I should, I've been out of college 3 years now with a Master's degree and nothing to show for it. So instead, I work a shitty minimum wage job where every day that goes by I get more sick to my stomach at how much of a failure I am. I blame nobody but myself. I'm lazy, and fearful of my lack of experience, I cannot take care of myself, I've relied on my parents for far too long and I feel like every day that goes by I'm letting them down. It makes me sick. My father went into his retirement fund to put me through college. If I haven't let them down, I let myself down. I kinda wish I didn't go to college when I did, because I don't think I was mature enough for it. I made it through with good grades sure, but I never applied myself or made the effort to actually learn anything, and now I'm paying for it. You could argue that the job is going to be different that what you went to school for so it may not matter, but I still feel like I should have taken something away from it...Sigh. Here I am backing myself into a corner, and I have been for the last three years, and the worst part is it's my own fault and even now, I'm not giving it 100% to try to change anything. I don't know why I'm acting the way I am, why I'm so demoralized and acting so helpless. I feel like things would be so much better if I could get a career started, Like that is legitimately all I need right now. I don't want a girlfriend, to get married, a family, anything like that. Maybe one day, eventually, but none of that will ever come until I can take care of myself, and that's fine, I'm okay with that. Hell, if none of that extra stuff happens that's fine too, but I at least want to make something of myself, and I don't feel like I ever will, because I lack so much fucking motivation it makes me sick. Like here I am complaining, I know exactly why my life has been shit and how I want to change it for the better and I never do, I haven't put in any effort to, and I can only blame myself, and I understand that completely, I don't even make excuses anymore. Things are the way they are and I am the way I am right now because I'm lazy. Fearful of a bunch of things too, but mostly lazy. That's pretty much all there is to it. My mind is a jumbled mess, I find myself not being able to form coherent thoughts anymore. I've alienated myself from my friends, my family is worried about me because I've been so down and depressed. My day to day life is thus: Go to work, come home and mope around the house for hours, I don't use the computer anymore, I don't play games, I may watch some tv, here and there but I'm legitimately wasting my life away, and then I go to sleep, or rather, lay in bed while my mind races from one thing to the next never changing, until I pass out from exhaustion and do the same thing all over again the next day in what has been an endless cycle. The scary part of it all is I don't see anything changing anytime soon and I only have myself to blame. I'm not posting this for advice or to vent or for anything like that because like I said it's all on me to do something with myself, or to continue to take the cowards way out and rot away. I'm just posting this to try to give some idea where I've been and where my head has been for those that I have not been in touch with as much as I used to. I'm truly sorry for that too. I value the friends I have, especially the ones that care for me as much as some do, but I'm just mentally and emotionally in such a bad place right now that I can't bring myself to interact with anyone. God the more I type the more I piss myself off at how I'm acting, how I've been acting...it's inexcusable really, and right now I can only say sorry. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my attitude. :unsure: I love you Lotus/Lana/Fran/whatever you might call yourself now, I love you DB, and some others as well. <3 Oh, and just to add on at the end of this jumbled mess: I'm not suicidal or anything like that (and I never will be, I care too much about other people, to cause anyone, especially my parents and family that kind of pain such a loss brings. I'm probably as depressed as anyone can possibly be at this point, but nothing so severe or dangerous as that worst case scenario. I just wanted to throw that in to alleviate those assumptions. PPS, I don't know why I couldn't split any of that into paragraphs, what is this format? Pressing enter does nothing.
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#108 L o t u s Oldies Bitch I Might Be 1735 posts 188.00 XCB

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Posted 02 June 2013 - 03:38 PM

It's a very messy read atm, eh? Lol that didn't bother me one bit because I REALLY care about you, SD. I remember we had a discussion about this a while ago on facebook.

It's like you've said. Right now, you really just need to focus on improving yourself, rather than trying to please the people around you. You need to be around positive things, be optimistic, and find the little things to be enjoyable. You know I really love talking to you, and it makes me sad that you're feeling so depressed. You can't do that to yourself! Life is too short, there's not enough booze, donkey balls, etc!

Can you think of anything that motivates you? Even if it's small? There has to be something that makes your mind active.

I wuv you too btw. <3
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#109 GothicKratos Oldies Local Trollolololol 2309 posts 2.00 XCB

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Posted 02 June 2013 - 07:58 PM

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't - you're right."
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#110 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 12:56 AM

I love you, broski.

I don't know what to tell you other than man up and change what makes you unhappy. I know it's easier said than done, but you know how I do dat tough love. If your own unhappiness isn't enough to motivate you, then you need to find something else that does.

If you ever need help, just ask.
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#111 L o t u s Oldies Bitch I Might Be 1735 posts 188.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 01:02 PM

I love you, broski.

I don't know what to tell you other than man up and change what makes you unhappy. I know it's easier said than done, but you know how I do dat tough love. If your own unhappiness isn't enough to motivate you, then you need to find something else that does.

If you ever need help, just ask.


This. And also this.

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#112 HG Wells Oldies aytch gee 2569 posts 5.00 XCB

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 09:07 PM

SD my bro! I feel for ya man. I don't remember where it is that you live, but if you ever feel like hitting up Charleston, let me know. I'll make sure you have the time of your life.

Also, you need to visit XC more often. If nothing else, we need to talk more about our shows!
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#113 L o t u s Oldies Bitch I Might Be 1735 posts 188.00 XCB

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Posted 05 June 2013 - 01:35 PM

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#114 Celsius Oldies Century Gothic Abuser 3234 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 05 June 2013 - 01:44 PM

Leave it to Setever to post a response to a wall of text bigger than the wall of text.

Also, SD. You're still the top right corner of my heart. DONT GIVE UP! GO BE A GOGETTER!!

Edited by Celsius, 05 June 2013 - 01:45 PM.

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#115 ShadowDemon Retired Administrator Retired Administrator of XeroCreative 4944 posts 3.00 XCB

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Posted 14 June 2013 - 10:39 PM

Thankies for the support and nice words everyone.

<3 Setever, good to see you sir! Thank you for all of that, While I mentioned that I wanted to make my parents proud, it actually goes hand in hand with wanting to be successful myself, and at the same time I’ve been letting myself down. I’ve been so complacent for so long and wasted a lot of time because of it. IDK, it’s not like I can change the past, I have to move forward and focus on that. Some things I know for sure are that I am scared, and while I know I can’t let my fear cripple me, because it has for so long I don’t know how to get around it, if that makes any sense.

I really want to move. I have for quite a while now, I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that quite a bit in previous blogs. I can’t afford it, and I wouldn’t even know where to go, and I’m not even saying going somewhere else will help, or that it will make me any happier, but I still really want to.

OMG HAI CELSI :D Good to see you too, I hope you’re still tearing up Japan and loving it <3

I love you guys, all you guys, so much. I’ve lost a lot of faith in a lot of people lately and you could even say humanity as a whole. There’s so much…evil in the world. When it comes to those around me, people are always out for themselves, and what’s worse, a lot of the time it’s at the expense of others. It makes me sad.

But you guys… you guys make me happy. From supportive statements, to tough love and walls of texts, it counteracts all of that and it’s all enough to keep me smiling through everything, so thank you all for that.
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#116 L o t u s Oldies Bitch I Might Be 1735 posts 188.00 XCB

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Posted 14 June 2013 - 10:54 PM

I know how you feel, SD. It's shocking to see when people lie, and take advantage of others, and do not even writhe with guilt. The world sucks, but we need to make the best of what we have.

We're here to support you always. You make me happy! Keep smiling <3

Edited by Lana Kane, 15 June 2013 - 10:35 AM.

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#117 ShadowDemon Retired Administrator Retired Administrator of XeroCreative 4944 posts 3.00 XCB

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Posted 14 December 2013 - 01:22 AM

Update Soon™, (maybe) <3

Long story, but maybe not too long? I suppose a better way to phrase it would be...

an inability to actually organize my thoughts into a blog (or really any sort of way) to properly express myself.

Yeah, that actually fits.

<3
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#118 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

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Posted 14 December 2013 - 10:28 AM

My long lost love (lol alliteration) has returned!
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#119 L o t u s Oldies Bitch I Might Be 1735 posts 188.00 XCB

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Posted 17 December 2013 - 12:00 AM

Oh it better be good. You never messaged me back on AIM. Bitch.
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#120 Wylde Ancient One Supertramp 4061 posts 9.00 XCB

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Posted 12 July 2015 - 09:02 AM

I miss you....


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