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-Beyond Wonderland. [Do What Scares You..]


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#1 Wylde Ancient One Supertramp 4061 posts 9.00 XCB

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 02:06 AM

Where do I start? Ive never actually started a blog before. I figured it would be good practice as I start blogging my trips all over and wherever I go. I suppose we can get the basic XC history out of the way first...




-In The Beginning.


Ive been coming to XeroCreative for online YGO since march? Had an old account that I never really came to the forums for. It wasn't until XC started to offer 25 XC Bux for each time you signed on that I made an official account, this account, my first username being Xero_Tolerance. These were the days XC Bux were mainly used for buying online cards and making decks out of them. I never really had a use for the forums but I still signed on and visited the Literature Forum every so often. This is where I met Zero_DmGirl (Mana) and not to mention many, many other friends who, oddly enough, became frequent members of XC and still are today. I was 13 years old then, young and full of some sort of innocence, who knew that so many years from then Id still be here.

As time went on I moved from the Literature Forum and dove into the Off-Topic discussions and joined clans on the forums. This is where I made a name for myself on the forums. I played enough YGO and became very good at it, making friends with some of the most known players on XC. As time went by I became a leader to strongest clans on the forums. Led wars into DGZ and participated and helped define YGO on XC. I would dare say the most fun I had was getting to know everyone here and especially helping out new people onto the forums so they could establish a name for themselves. It was a beautiful time when nothing mattered but the skills you had in a card game...haha.

Then came the downfall. Friendships were torn and once great clans split into two. People left for DGZ or ultimately quit the game and forums in its entirety. I stopped playing YGO because I knew I had grown past it and the glory days had come and gone for good. Instead I became a random to join any clan that would allow it. This is where I made many more friends who are in fact still here today. After the YGO days I roamed around XC all over, trying to help but getting nowhere. I loved the site and still do. The community we have here is one of a kind. But in time I grew upset with XC in how it had changed. Through tough times in life I became, for a lack of better words, a dick to everyone on the site. Flaming, sparking arguments for the joy of annoying people, and all around being no good to those around me. I would like to apologize now for how I had acted then, so young and stupid ha.

Over the years Ive come and gone and held onto the friendships I still have here. I still love XC and the community she offers to all of us. Ive seen many friends come and go. Ive changed my name countless times but the same person is still here. So there you have it, My XC story in as brief of a way as possible.

Previous Usernames:

Xero_Tolerance
Suicide
R a Y n E
Child
KloWn
Trigg

(Theres many more but those have been the main names I believe)


What I plan to do with this blog?

I somewhat want to go over what Ive been doing and where Ive been these past years as Ive been on and off of XC. Id also like to go into what my plans are in the near future, Ill also keep tabs on what is happening currently. Ill bring up thoughts on people and things in XC and out of XC. Any comments and discussion are welcome to be voiced.

Till then, Ill see you on the other side.


----------
Mood: Nostalgic
Music: After The Storm by Mumford & Sons
----------


Entries:
-In The Beginning.
-The Man Behind The Avatar.
-One Eye Staring Down A Barrel.
-The Change of Autumn.
-When Ghosts Come Back To Play.
-Every Day Might As Well Be Halloween.
-Baby Darling Doll Face Honey.

Edited by Wylde, 20 April 2012 - 01:22 AM.

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#2 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 08:59 AM

Oh wow, I forgot about your old clan! 7DA was it? Good times...
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#3 ShadowDemon Retired Administrator Retired Administrator of XeroCreative 4944 posts 3.00 XCB

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 11:49 AM

I almost wept over all the nostalgia.

You were 13 when you joined too? God, I really am an old piece of shit. :(

I remember every one of your usernames, and Klown was always my favorite. :) I didn't think you were a dick, and even if you were I can think of bigger ones than you. You were and are a good dude in my book. ;)

7DA was my second clan after the original Kagemusha fell through the cracks haha...

Good times indeed...

I'll be watching, Klown.
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#4 Celsius Oldies Century Gothic Abuser 3234 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 01:24 PM

Oh man... I wish I joined when I was 13... but... I didn't have internet! *sob*
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#5 HG Wells Oldies aytch gee 2569 posts 5.00 XCB

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 01:43 PM

Good blog so far. I'll keep reading if you keep posting.
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#6 Wylde Ancient One Supertramp 4061 posts 9.00 XCB

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Posted 07 October 2010 - 03:01 AM

Oh wow, I forgot about your old clan! 7DA was it? Good times...


It sure was. Went from 7DA (7 Dark Apprentices) and Maverick Hunters to 7DM (7 Dark Mavericks) till the rupture between the members after so long. I then took over 7DA till I knew it was time for me to let go. Oh I do miss those days haha..


I almost wept over all the nostalgia.

You were 13 when you joined too? God, I really am an old piece of shit. :(

I remember every one of your usernames, and Klown was always my favorite. :) I didn't think you were a dick, and even if you were I can think of bigger ones than you. You were and are a good dude in my book. ;)

7DA was my second clan after the original Kagemusha fell through the cracks haha...

Good times indeed...

I'll be watching, Klown.


Nostalgia is a beautiful thing. Its nice to know that we can look back with smiles on our time here. And yes, I was 13 years old if I remember right. I believe I joined officially with this account right before summer started after 8th grade? Haha I was a young kid then, had so much to learn. Well thank you, haha, its good to know that I didn't make a lasting effect on people during my down times.. And I remember Kagemusha, if I'm not mistaken that was a Gothic Blue original creation, yes?

Oh man... I wish I joined when I was 13... but... I didn't have internet! *sob*


Haha, thats fine. You're here now and enjoying the great company XC offers.


Good blog so far. I'll keep reading if you keep posting.


Well thank you, I hope you continue to read and that I can keep hold of your attention in this blog.





But on to why I came here to post...




-The Man Behind The Avatar.


At 13 years old I joined Xero_Creative with the intent to kill off boredom and enjoy YGO. During my time here I also had a life outside of XC (hard to believe, I know haha.) Fresh into High School, with many friends, and a girl friend for over a year that was as beautiful and kind as I could wish for. We began 'dating' right after 7th grade, what I didn't know was that she would change my life forever in more ways then I could count. High School was easy and I kept myself entertained by being a rebel. Now this is a school of, at most, 140 kids. It was very small, in a very small town, in the secluded southwest portion of Minnesota. So when one decides to be a rebel he then has a reputation to uphold. That reputation seems to stick with you forever from what I've learned and in such a small town everyone knows about you.

I loved sports, any sport, be it basketball, baseball, football, soccer, and even track. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't one to fall into one clique, instead I spread myself all over and was, in the end, more so a nerd if anything haha. As my high school years passed me I slowly dropped each sport. (except soccer, I have and will always have a love for soccer) I kept meeting new people and continued in my rebellious ways. I was so young yet I smoked, I drank, tried weed, did shrooms, had weed laced with cocaine. I was living the life of reckless abandon. I gained many more friends and unforgettable stories that will always be baggage to me as I go through life. From getting high before going to class just to talk to the principal to see if he could figure out I was high, smoking in bathrooms (I know, I know, cliche smoking in the bathroom haha). We stole our principals mini van, took it for booze cruising and then left it at his house running. Broke into teachers houses in the middle of the night and just walked around for the fun of it. Stole school buses and drove them through corn fields. It wasn't about getting back at them or anything. It was the feeling of being untouchable, like I was totally and utterly invincible in my own little world. No one could stop me, the world was mine.

As I have mentioned before I did have a girlfriend this entire time. Now she was something from a whole different world then me. If ever the statement 'Opposites attract' was proven then this was it. She was the sole thing I held onto instead of really diving off the deep end. She was righteous in every way, a miracle to me and the people she met. To me, she proved that life was..worth it? She looked at me in disapproval with what I would do but regardless she would take me back and hold on to me. I still believe to this day she knew that she was saving my life in one way or another. My time with her I began to grow away and smarten up from what I once did. My rebellious moments seemed to lessen up each time. Oh those gorgeous nights we would sit till the sun rose and talk to each other. Trying, as much as we could, to help each other out in life. To save ourselves from each of our own demons.

Coming into senior year I was a recognized student. Nothing great in academics but nothing terrible either. I played varsity soccer all of my 4 years and led my team to State Championships. Had scholarships coming my way to play soccer in college. Me and my girlfriend were happily together, things were on the upswing, we had talks of what we would do after high school. Being with each other for 4+ years we even discussed marriage and how we couldn't wait to someday be together forever...Well, in life nothing is certain. A dreadful day that I still can't bear to think of. The week leading into prom I find out that she had cheated on me, that she was pursuing another guy. After confronting her she cried and broke it off between us two. Over 4 years being together, sharing every bit of our lives together. It wasn't just us dating that got me. It felt like a friend, family, had betrayed me. I, growing up in a very dysfunctional family my entire life (which I'll save for another blog in another day), had only her as an anchor to my life. That kept me on the ground with reality. I had friends, many of them, but she was the only real thing I could ever say I was close to in my life.

As you might guess I did go off the deep end. Right back into the old swing of things but never forgetting what I learned from her during those years. I graduated, enjoyed the rest of my high school years, and went off to college. At that moment I thought I knew it all. That I had felt every feeling there was. True love to the hardest pain. What I had no idea of that was in the coming years I would travel around the world, meet the most amazing people, and learn that at no point in life do we ever have it figured out. Tomorrow is a new day and you'll learn a little more about yourself and world around you.

Laresa, the most beautiful woman I have ever met, inside and out. I don't blame her, in fact now I thank her. I had to go through all of that to get to where I am now. I still love her and part of me wishes that someday we'll come back together again, all grown up with many life experiences to share.

So there you go. A bit about a bumblebee named Laresa. She stung me hard that cold day. But I learned you can't taste the sweet honey without a few stings first.


I would also like to ask for you to not judge me quite yet haha. I was a rebellious kid then but a lot has happened since and I believe I've grown quite a bit since then. But I'll just have to save how that all came to be in another blog entry on another day.

Till then, I'll see you on the other side..


------------
Mood: Melancholy
Song: For You by Angus & Julia Stone
------------

Edited by Daniel Wylde, 07 October 2010 - 03:06 AM.

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#7 ShadowDemon Retired Administrator Retired Administrator of XeroCreative 4944 posts 3.00 XCB

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Posted 07 October 2010 - 09:43 AM


I almost wept over all the nostalgia.

You were 13 when you joined too? God, I really am an old piece of shit. :(

I remember every one of your usernames, and Klown was always my favorite. :) I didn't think you were a dick, and even if you were I can think of bigger ones than you. You were and are a good dude in my book. ;)

7DA was my second clan after the original Kagemusha fell through the cracks haha...

Good times indeed...

I'll be watching, Klown.


Nostalgia is a beautiful thing. Its nice to know that we can look back with smiles on our time here. And yes, I was 13 years old if I remember right. I believe I joined officially with this account right before summer started after 8th grade? Haha I was a young kid then, had so much to learn. Well thank you, haha, its good to know that I didn't make a lasting effect on people during my down times.. And I remember Kagemusha, if I'm not mistaken that was a Gothic Blue original creation, yes?


Yes indeed it was. The first ever Kagemusha run.

As I have mentioned before I did have a girlfriend this entire time. Now she was something from a whole different world then me. If ever the statement 'Opposites attract' was proven then this was it. She was the sole thing I held onto instead of really diving off the deep end. She was righteous in every way, a miracle to me and the people she met. To me, she proved that life was..worth it? She looked at me in disapproval with what I would do but regardless she would take me back and hold on to me. I still believe to this day she knew that she was saving my life in one way or another. My time with her I began to grow away and smarten up from what I once did. My rebellious moments seemed to lessen up each time. Oh those gorgeous nights we would sit till the sun rose and talk to each other. Trying, as much as we could, to help each other out in life. To save ourselves from each of our own demons.

Coming into senior year I was a recognized student. Nothing great in academics but nothing terrible either. I played varsity soccer all of my 4 years and led my team to State Championships. Had scholarships coming my way to play soccer in college. Me and my girlfriend were happily together, things were on the upswing, we had talks of what we would do after high school. Being with each other for 4+ years we even discussed marriage and how we couldn't wait to someday be together forever...Well, in life nothing is certain. A dreadful day that I still can't bear to think of. The week leading into prom I find out that she had cheated on me, that she was pursuing another guy. After confronting her she cried and broke it off between us two. Over 4 years being together, sharing every bit of our lives together. It wasn't just us dating that got me. It felt like a friend, family, had betrayed me. I, growing up in a very dysfunctional family my entire life (which I'll save for another blog in another day), had only her as an anchor to my life. That kept me on the ground with reality. I had friends, many of them, but she was the only real thing I could ever say I was close to in my life.


Wow...I don't know if I'm going to be able to read these anymore...that hit me hard, straight through the internet, and it hurt. :( It must have been unbearable to you...

Also, I'm glad you seemingly did not get into much trouble for all your escapades, they were fun reads...haha.
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#8 Wylde Ancient One Supertramp 4061 posts 9.00 XCB

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Posted 13 October 2010 - 01:50 AM

Not unbearable, it enlightened me more or less...And I do promise you, it will bring about a happier mood soon enough.

--------------

So Ive dove down into a little about the history of me and what was all happening as I enjoyed my wonderful time here on XC. Now that I'm half popped off of Jack and Cokes and Coors Original I think I should keep the deeper writings at bay for tonight.

First and foremost!!! I would love to wish a massive congratulations to DarkBlaze aka Kenny Sisco on becoming Admin. I've known you for so damn long and now look at you, you're the Admin of the site I've visited the most over the years. I know you'll bring great things to this community and I'm happy to see you got what you deserved..

Now onto the blog of Trigg...err, whatever the hell you wish to call me..



-One Eye Staring Down A Barrel.


I would like to first apologize for whatever I may write during this beautiful night of ecstasy...


I decided to cook up a big meal for myself and my fellow roommates tonight. I love to cook, there's a great sense of accomplishment after a few hours of working and to hear the enjoyment and love of the food out of your friends. While cooking I had a few beers, then had two great beers during the meal. Afterwards I decided to go Jack and Coke on the rocks as I had a cigarette and talked to my friends. We then decided to go inside and watch a movie just as I decided to move just to Jack on the rocks. We watched The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Which I must say is one hell of a film, I loved every bit of it. Half the movie looks like a damn LSD/Salvia/Shroom trip. So in my usual extremely emotional sense of things decided I should do Salvia. I did it and went into my trip, for those who don't know about Salvia think of the movie Inception. It's very much like that when you get very good at it. You dream, control your dream and create everything in your dream. Your subconscious makes most of it but you can alter things as you wish. I'm not advertising it to anybody, because much like Inception it does in fact become hard to tell reality from a dream. In which case can scare the hell out of you..I've done it enough to believe I am in reality but there will and forever will be a doubt in my mind. For those of you who are very strong-willed and are searching for a personal discovery of yourself in a subconscious state then maybe Salvia will be an interesting thing to do and hey, it's still legal haha. What really gets me in the end is why can't our dreams become reality? What's truly stopping us? I know the majority of the world dreams of peace between everyone and an equal balance between all people. So why isn't this the way it is?....blah..time for a random thought string...



I am corrupted. Molded to fit the standards of what we perceive to be as truth. Go to school. Get a job. Make money. Die. The circle of life seems so disgusting in the eye of mankind. But what does it mean to break free? Kill off society in your mind, leave it all behind and go off on your own journey, invented by yourself to find peace and tranquility. Is this to be? What is it we search to find? A serenity and a home, away from the trials and tribulations? Far away from judgement, to find our very own Eden. Why is it we follow this mold? Do we not know any better? Are we far too afraid to follow the path less traveled? I've just begun to follow down this beautiful path, and to imagine this world is more then what we see as just fantasy. It's merely reality being stunted by corporations led by people trying to follow the mold of the 'American Dream'. Well my dream is to imagine, that there's far more to this world then to make money and die....And to that I say, 'To hell with the world we've come to know, it's time for a real change.'..



And yes I have done drugs before..oddly enough they can open your mind..what I love is that people who haven't say that I've lost so many brain cells that I have no idea what I'm talking about. And to people that have never done them before I tell them they're closed minded. Now who is to say is right? Society wants to tell people I'm wrong..but who ever made them the end-all-be-all judge on what's right and wrong? I'm just saying that Society is mostly, if not entirely, influenced based upon media. Which is there to sell you things. I'm basing my ideas on peacemakers such as John Lennon, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, and many more who believed that humankind has a good heart deep inside, no matter who you are....

And always remember! 'Write drunk, Edit Sober.' ~ Ernest Hemingway


I should also note that being on the internet while drunk on a tuesday is usually a bad idea, and for that I apologize to you XC....


Mood: Happy drunk
Song: Imagine One Day (So Far Away) by Mashup Germany


Fuck I need a cigarette now...damn blogs.

Edited by Daniel Wylde, 13 October 2010 - 02:12 AM.

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#9 Wylde Ancient One Supertramp 4061 posts 9.00 XCB

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 04:13 AM

It's been a few days since I last made a blog entry and I suppose tonight is just as good as any other to sit down and write a few words down..


I have the most beautiful tree right outside the door of my house and I wish I had a camera that I owned to show all of you. In the chilly October mornings when you blow to see your breath in the air and the leaves are changing colors and slowly floating down to the ground there is a tree. It burns bright red of autumn and in the morn when the sun begins to rise and catches these beautiful leaves it seems to be they set ablaze. I would dare say beauty of this nature is what heaven is made up of. There are times when I wake up I make coffee and sit on my roof and just watch the sun come up and hit this tree with light. It's so poetic to watch and seems to stir up these deep warm feelings inside of me...Autumn holds a deep meaning that will forever be in me...The turn of the leaves always seems to awake memories..



-The Change of Autumn.


I suppose in about a week it would have been two years since I walked across campus in a funky winter hat, a long sleeve thermal, pajama pants, and slippers headed to my car that cold autumn night. Opened the door and sat down, stared blankly into the parking lot before finally mustering up enough nerve to turn the key. There were no tears at first while leaving campus, no it wasn't until I could see the town lights fading away in my rear view mirror and knowing I was leaving for good that brought the few tears that came to me. Early in the morning on October 23, 2008 I left the college I was attending after a mere half a semester and I never looked back...

..Who would have guessed where I went from there...

It first started with a friends apartment 3 hours north of my old college. It was to be a starting ground during my trip for rebirth. I had decided I couldn't handle where I was and that there was something more to be discovered, that I was being called or needed to be somewhere else. I grew up in a Christian community yet on my mother's side they were all Catholics, thus there were always a conflict of interest in the family on who was correct in religion. Let me say this, it taught me to be very open minded in life with many things. Since then I've read and studied the Bible, The Mormon Bible, The Apocrypha, and The Qur'an. Let's say I have a fancy on seeing how similar they all really are. =) Anyways, this was supposed to be a rebirth spiritually, mentally, and physically. I had ideas of what I wanted to do but decided I would never have plans. I had a faith in that things that needed to happen, would happen. At first it was nature I needed to reconnect to. There was something in me that made me disgusted with society around us and how we had totally and utterly forgotten about the Nature that surrounded us. I decided what I wanted to do was leave from society and normal contact with the world and get lost in the wild. To fend for myself and find myself, truly measure myself by going to the limit of survival and seeing if I could do it. What I found out is that not only could I but I found a euphoria in it. There's a beauty in measuring one's strength against nature. When you have nothing to think about but food, water, shelter, and then peace of mind in your own solitude. I must say, you learn much more about yourself when you stop talking and start thinking.

Now the only way to truly be lost in the wild is to get rid of the maps..which I did. I left, with enough essentials to just get by but able to survive with effort put forward for a whole month. During this time I don't believe I've ever been so happy. Nature is the most beautiful thing ever disregarded by people. I stayed in a tent built for one, just enough to get me inside with a few of my things. I cut wood for fires and wrote in the night usually in my journal. I spent most of my days either gathering wood for the night, fishing, or 'hunting' any small game I could come by. I brought rice with me knowing it would be something that isn't nutritious but would fill me up to keep hunting and fishing if things went bad. There were times when food just wasn't around or I'd burn the meat up good preoccupied with other chores and it wasn't good at all. It wasn't perfect out there, it was tough, and I struggled. Sometimes so angry with myself and with what I was doing I'd just scream and scream, regretting the fact I had ever left college for this..Now that I look back on it I feel as though a drug user going through rehab. It's hell in it's clearest form. I was purging myself from all of that society drugged me up on. Complete solitude from all the fixes I once had. No more smoking a bowl of television, snorting a line of FaceBook, popping a pill of MTV, or shooting up the internet. No...it was just me, all alone for miles upon miles...Things over time got better, I became better at fishing and hunting and dealt with whatever food I got for the day as a blessing. I wrote more and was able to walk around and see the entire world around me more. I wasn't addicted and didn't have the need to follow the society around me anymore. And after 30 days I left my camp and headed towards 'home'...wherever that may have been to me then....





And so begins the story of me finding myself, haha but I still am finding myself, we all are and we always will be. It's the beauty of life, we're always learning so much about who we are and the ones around us. I figured it would be a good place to end on, gotta keep the story going on slowly to keep people somewhat coming back to read even if it may be 1 or 2 people. And I promise you I'm not crazy, it just took some radical things to get me to places in life. x]


I would also like to give a thank you to all my friends still here on XC and still staying in touch with me. I should really get AIM or whatever once again (Is AIM what everyone still uses? haha) and start talking to all of you on a regular basis. I've just always loved talking to people in a more of a one on one setting about things in life, it gives it that much more of authenticity I'd dare say. I hope you enjoyed the continuation of the story of how I got to where I am and who I am today..

Till next time, see you on the other side..

----------------------------
Mood: Reborn
Song: Society by Eddie Vedder
----------------------------


p.s.

I decided to read some of my old journal entries and I must say they bring up some very vivid and interesting memories of that time haha.
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#10 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 08:49 AM

This latest entry reminds me of the four words you once told me that still makes a pretty big difference in how I think today.

"Do what scares you."
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#11 Wylde Ancient One Supertramp 4061 posts 9.00 XCB

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 12:48 PM

Haha I'm quite impressed you remembered that. Actually, after posting this blog entry I was going through my PM history and sure enough those talks were still in there from so long ago. =]
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#12 Celsius Oldies Century Gothic Abuser 3234 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 18 October 2010 - 01:17 PM

I was just looking through your Warn Status logs... LOL at ShadowDemon increasing your stuff... and LOL at Kenny's comment... funny stuff.
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#13 ShadowDemon Retired Administrator Retired Administrator of XeroCreative 4944 posts 3.00 XCB

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Posted 20 October 2010 - 02:53 AM

Wait, Wait. You left school to go live in the wilderness and be all, hunterish? That's pretty...pimp.

I have no idea where the shit you must live because I can probably travel 100,000 miles and not find an ACTUAL wilderness.

Please tell me you hunted crap more interesting than squirrels...because that's all you'd find if you lived where I do...haha.

Overall that's nuts though, I'd never survive. Props to you.

I was just looking through your Warn Status logs... LOL at ShadowDemon increasing your stuff... and LOL at Kenny's comment... funny stuff.


lolwut? Seriously, how do my warn logs even still EXIST...lmao. Shit must be from 04 or 05...

Thanks for the ego boost though, it's good to know I singlehandedly turned one of XC's former hooligans into the fine upstanding gentleman we see before us today! :unsure:

...


:wub: you, Klown. :happy:
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#14 Wylde Ancient One Supertramp 4061 posts 9.00 XCB

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Posted 20 October 2010 - 03:20 AM

Not exactly to become 'hunterish' but more so to get away and be free from society and the ugly people I had around me. I was out in north western-ish Washington. If you've never had the chance to go out there then I really hope you find a way. It's one of the most beautiful places to visit. Like I said though, every bit of America has been mapped out. You need to ditch the map and go far away, secluded from towns and main roads to find solitude. It may be hard but no impossible. It's a dream of mine to go out to Alaska and do the same thing, maybe even to Canada. Haha though I'm not sure if I'd ever want to come back if I did make that trip. And I believe you'd be surprised how well you could survive if you were forced into those conditions.


Oh SD, where would I have been without you? x] Haha and no worries on the warns. I've had those for so long and I'm sure I deserved them at the time. Much thanks to Cels for wiping my slate clean. =]



And for an update to the blog...


Looking to find me a new Acoustic Guitar and maybe sell my old electric and amp for some cash. My buddy I'm living with has an old 70's acoustic his mom used to play back in the day and after me and him passing it around today playing some tunes we decided we're gonna buy a piano for the house and I'm gonna find me an Acoustic guitar. Haha gonna start playing a lot more now..





-When Ghosts Come Back To Play.


My whole life, or from since I could remember, I've had a very hard time getting to sleep at night. I'd lie in bed, lights out with white noise in the background, and be there for hours. Physically drained from the day but my mind would be racing and almost wouldn't allow me to fall asleep. This effected me quite a bit in High School going to classes without any sleep and not being able to focus at all. At the time I popped Tylenol PM pill after pill to try and drug myself to sleep. As time went by I was drinking bottles of NyQuil in an attempt to know myself out to get sleep. Things would work for a bit but then my body would become tolerant of whatever I threw at it. So I'd deal with the 2-3 hours of sleep a night and go on with life. I wouldn't say I ever hallucinated from lack of sleep but it definitely puts an odd effect on you mentally. I remember one time being awake for 72 hours straight. Started as me not being able to sleep at all one night and then into a game to prove my teacher wrong that you wouldn't become delusional. I was sick for 4 days after it though.

These same strange sleep patterns still effect me to this day. As sad as it may seem but I've found the best thing to cope with it is drinking, till I pass out. I enjoy drinking with friends but when I do it for sleep I do it almost medically. One thing I should admit is that though I hate not being able to sleep ever, what I do love is the way I become as the night progresses. I write more, I read more, I have more time to myself. Without the night I'd, more or less, never write. As time went on my roommates and friends noticed my lack of sleep, ever. Yesterday I got a call from my dad, him explaining how it runs in the family and how I may have depression and that he scheduled a visit with the doctor for me to see right away. (This was all after a huge breakdown I had not too long ago, which was interesting in itself haha) And well after the visits they say I have depression and that I need to take more tests to see if its Manic Depression and such. All of this alongside with visits to a psychiatrist. So here I am, at 21 years of age being told I have depression and that my thoughts are all whack because of some imbalance of chemicals in my head...hmmm...

What gets me the most is that while in High School when me and Laresa were dating her mother had been diagnosed with Manic Depression. Soon after her father left and the whole divorce happened in her life. I still remember vividly how it all played out because of depression. Now here I am being told I may have it also. They gave me pills that were meant to help 'balance' out my mood and thoughts, to 'bring me down a notch'. Saying if I take these pills I'll sleep a lot but may have weird dreams. Today I had my first session with the psychiatrist...I was impressed with myself in how it all turned out.. =]

I walked in with a sense of wonder, not knowing what the hell was wrong with me but that I just couldn't ever sleep. Sure I had mood swings and with every emotion I ever felt it was an intense feeling. If I was happy then it was the happiest moment of my life. If I was sad then it was a meltdown for me. Not rapid changes in emotion, it was just that if I loved something, then there was nothing that could come between my love for whatever it was. Yet walking into that office I wanted to give whoever the benefit of the doubt and see what they had to tell me. It started out with few minor questions about me and how I was doing for the day. Started discussing a bit about my family history and how I dealt with it. Finally it got to a point where I told her I wasn't depressed in any way. Sure, I get sad at some points when life gets rough but that's just life. She proceeded to tell me it was a form of denial I may be going through after being presented the idea of being in depression. Then I got upset, and sure as I've always been my heart was fully into what I believed in and I began to rant...

I went on with this.. ''why is it so terrible to feel pain? Why is it so wrong to be sad and down on the day? Why do we call emotions a disease? You give me a pill to sedate me and numb me to the world around me. For what? To be like you? I'd rather be dead then be numb. Isn't everyone depressed then?''

She told me that I would need to cooperate and that it may take some time..

I dumped the bottle of pills down the toilet tonight...haha and so here I am at 4:10am, up all night, typing a blog to some of the few people who've been with me longer then most I've known. I'd rather die then not feel all the mood swings and emotions we as people have been gifted to feel, and in essence, without them we are dead...


And without them I wouldn't write anymore, in which case, what is the point of living then?


Depression is a slanderous term for a raw emotion that everyone feels at some point..that is my opinion on it. Some may have different opinions, but I'd rather go through depression then not feel anything..


So here's a thought and question to all of you.. What is depression? Do you believe you've gone through it? If so how did you cope with it or have you just lived with it? What's your story on it?.. I don't mean to get so 'deep' with all of this but I personally believe that the best way to deal with life is to talk with people..

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Mood: ???
Song: Epiphany by Staind
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Edited by Daniel Wylde, 20 October 2010 - 04:36 AM.

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#15 Celsius Oldies Century Gothic Abuser 3234 posts 0.00 XCB

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Posted 21 October 2010 - 02:31 PM

You always write so much! I wish I had this many thoughts! Unfortunately, my short term memory isn't exactly the greatest... neither is my long term memory, for that matter... hmm...
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#16 Wylde Ancient One Supertramp 4061 posts 9.00 XCB

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Posted 03 November 2010 - 02:33 AM

I have a lot of time to sit down and think haha..which may or may not be a good thing. =P



It's been awhile since I last updated this thing so I figure I'll just throw in a little something something about what's been happening lately...


-Every Day Might As Well Be Halloween.


So most of my time has been spent bottling myself up in my room with bottles of Windsor Canadian Whiskey and my pen and paper trying to push myself to continue writing this so-called book of mine I'm working on. I also bought me a pretty shitty nylon string acoustic guitar and have been playing that a lot lately while all bottled up. =]

Other then that since my last blog we've had the wonderful holiday of Halloween come and pass us. I wasn't really expecting much for this year since I really didn't make any plans whatsoever. My car broke down on me so I've been stranded away from most of my friends who live about an hour away. Well on Friday a buddy decided he had to have me come down and enjoy Halloween so he drove all the way up to get me. Friday night was bars night, in which I decided to take as many Chuck Norris, Scooby Snack, and Jello Shots in a syringe as humanly possible before stumbling out onto the dance floor with everyone. Alongside the $2 Capt&Cokes and 30cent tap beer..well let's just say I was pretty done in when 2am came around. Luckily this girl was nice enough to bring me back home. When we got there we had people forking my buddies lawn as a prank in which they decided to go chasing them down the street. I figured it was just as easy to stand in the street and watch instead, then out of nowhere a car flies around the corner and just as I turn around they slam on their brakes. I felt it obviously necessary to walk up to their window and greet them with a drunken smile. After introductions I told the two ladies that they weren't welcome in our house unless they could beat me at beer pong and if they lost they would have to leave. Well they took on the challenge and joined us inside. Turns out I never even played them in beer pong I was too busy having a great drunk talk with them. Found out they were headed to where I live for Saturday and I told them I was headed the other direction for a Halloween dance. Well they went on their way and I passed out in a drunken daze.

Saturday I woke up with a pounding headache and not ready for the day to come. We went to go get costumes, everything being gone since it was the day before, and since I do it every year I get stuck grabbing whatever was left once again. I ended up getting a pirate costume (Yay originality!). Went down to where the dance was to be and gave a call to the two girls we met last night. Turned out they enjoyed their time so much with us they decided to join us at the dance. Of course this dance had to be held at a bar and after meeting up with people I haven't seen in about 2-3 years one comes up to me and yells out that it's tequila night. I don't know about anyone else but tequila usually gives me nights in which I wish to forget...and sometimes do thankfully. Well I pulled off the drunken pirate very well. I was so busy meeting and greeting all my old time buddies that the girls who came to see us ended up having to grab me and yank me on the dance floor. It was a good time with them and after they left I quickly found a new person to bump and grind with. Well the dance was over at around 3am and we headed back to my buddies cousins apartment with all of her roommates. Ha, turns out the girl I was grinding on most of the night was her roommate...coincidence? It was weird to see her coming in through the door as I plopped down on the couch..turns out it was a pretty interesting night.

I had some pics of the pirate costume somewhere. I took a few of myself for the girl so she had an idea of what I was dressed up as. I'll see if I can find them and maybe throw them on here for you peoples. Everyone should post their costumes! If they had one that is..so go ahead, post costumes. Go. Go. Go. It IS the best holiday of the year. x]


In other news I've been listening to Band of Skulls and The Black Keys a lot lately. Band of Skulls is something like White Stripes and The Black Keys are impossible to define, good band of 2 guys though. I bought a few more vinyls for my record player. Oh and I want to try and go out to California for Coachella Music Festival in April. Anyone live out there?

Oh ya, and the next best holiday is Christmas,
Posted Image
I love me some Rum & Egg Nog (Rumnog!) x]


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Mood: Jolly
Song: Impossible by Band of Skulls
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#17 ShadowDemon Retired Administrator Retired Administrator of XeroCreative 4944 posts 3.00 XCB

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Posted 04 November 2010 - 03:55 PM

I figured it was just as easy to stand in the street and watch instead, then out of nowhere a car flies around the corner and just as I turn around they slam on their brakes. I felt it obviously necessary to walk up to their window and greet them with a drunken smile. After introductions I told the two ladies that they weren't welcome in our house unless they could beat me at beer pong and if they lost they would have to leave. Well they took on the challenge and joined us inside. Turns out I never even played them in beer pong I was too busy having a great drunk talk with them.


What the hell kind of bullshit luck do you have? That shit is only supposed to happen in movies!

I didn't do anything for Halloween unless you count studying, which I don't. You could say I went as a sober person for the day.

Fuck you and you're cheap alcohol on Halloween you lucky bastard. <_<
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#18 Wylde Ancient One Supertramp 4061 posts 9.00 XCB

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Posted 10 November 2010 - 02:29 AM

Haha well oddly enough I've been hanging out with them a lot recently. Just a random meeting in the streets and now they're good friends. Odd how life works sometimes isn't it? And I love the cheap alcohol here. Haha I live in a very small town currently and every Friday you pay whatever the date is and that's the cost for beer. In other words, 12 cents for beer this Friday. x] It's the greatest deal ever though probably very harmful to my health..




-Baby Darling Doll Face Honey.


This blog may be random and pointless other than to give you an update on the life of Daniel. I haven't been in the mood lately to continue on the back history of me which, in the end, is really something like a 10-step program for me in one way or another..I think..I dunno..whatever.

Last weekend? Not much. Drank Saturday night and bout an Xbox Kinect. Turns out the little thing is very fun with a bunch of drunk friends, though be warned you will feel pain in your often abandoned muscles you think you may still have. =] Also I had drill this weekend. Yes, for those who don't know I am in the Air National Guard. I fix F-16 Fighter Jets as an Electrical/Environmental Specialist. It's one of the greatest feelings ever seeing them take off, the loud roar and the tremble you feel deep inside, the vibrations that make you think it could stop your heart. Blah, I do enjoy it! But yes this weekend was full of getting 2 hours of sleep from partying and going to work on base and fixing jets. Yay. =[
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Something you get to see every morning coming to work out there. The picture doesn't do justice though in my opinion.


This week so far has been full of getting the home ready for winter and raking up leaves. Amazingly enough it's been 70's as of late which is unheard of around here.. I'm just waiting for that first snowfall and then the dump of cold ass weather and me getting sick again. =[ I do love Autumn though and it seems like it's come and passed now that the leaves are all gone away. =[
Posted Image
I wish I had a picture of the sky the other day also. It was amazing and at first glance the feeling I had was of being a child at a fair and seeing the stand where they cold cotton candy, those appealing beautiful colors swirled together in blissful taste. Yum =] Either way I'm not much a fan of winter as I am of the other seasons but snow does have its perks.

I've been bored as of late and I need something to occupy my time. I wish I could do something for XC but I have not a clue what. I've been playing my guitar much more lately and reading but I dunno. I need something new and appealing to me but I haven't quite figured exactly what that is yet. Any ideas? cause I'm stuck.

I'm interested with all the new buzz around the Video Game section, With Celsi's and Kenny's new topics I have something more then just browsing the forum looking for somewhere to post out of boredom. It's entertaining actually.

Also I think Celsi should do another 'This Week In Gaming' I really like the idea actually and it kinda shows XC has more to it then just YGO. If any help is needed I'm always here, it'd be a fun thing to get a little into and help out. So there ya go if ya need it. =P


Check it out! It's my first ever Sig and it was made by Mana (aka Zero_DmGirl). Haha well done Mana. =] Much love!
Posted Image

Alright that should be enough random BS. Bye.

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Mood: Good Enough To Be Alive
Song: Your Touch by The Black Keys
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#19 DarkBlaze557 Retired Administrator :/ 12822 posts 100.00 XCB

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Posted 10 November 2010 - 09:18 AM

I miss that sig! :(
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#20 Gren Team XC That One Guy 5681 posts 146.00 XCB

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Posted 10 November 2010 - 09:42 AM

Good blog. @ the part where you were dating for 4 years, well my relationship didn't last long, but it's similar in the way that without going through it, I wouldn't be where I am at now. So it's a bad thing happened turned out good in the long run.


I also remember back in the old XC days where everyone (almost) hated me for being immature. Yeah, I have changed WAY too much. Reading some older posts, I can hardly believe it either. I should make a blog, but I don't have that much interesting things to say.
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